84th

tentang confession

jadi, apa kabar? well i dont know, basically my life is, still, like a mess, with pandemics, with more things happened, with more lesson learned, dan masih juga takut mengecewakan orang lain. well, i do need more funny things to be laughed at, haha.

tapi, kemudian memutuskan untuk binge-podcast-listening beberapa minggu lalu karena penasaran  setelah beberapa bulan ini ngga pernah dengerin atau nonton apapun. and it turns out about relationship, feeling, confession, a little bit failure, and slice of life. oh bahkan podcaster-nya kemudian raises questions tentang konsep jodoh, yang akhirnya bikin gue mengingat tentang alasan kenapa gue takut nonton Reply 1988 sampai sekarang, dan kenapa gue masih belum move on dari basic story nya hospital playlist.

“That’s why another word for fate is timing.....In the end, fate and timing do not just happen out of coincidence. They are products of earnest, simple choices, that make up miraculous moments. Being resolute, making decisions without hesitation—that is what makes timing. He wanted her more than I did.. And I should have been more courageous. It was not the the traffic light’s fault. It was not timing.. But the countless times I hesitated.”

even though people said that it is a warm story, but for me, it is pathetic and heart breaking.

an idea that you might end up with someone else, rather than someone who you think you like at the first place, somehow made me sad (ditambah lagi ternyata seseorang yang ia sukai ternyata punya perasaan yang sama). honestly, i cant get it and it is just out of my mind. why-on-earth does the universe not make it any easier.

it made me scared, a fact that a feeling can change. well, i know for sure that it does change, but, if your life journey had been fated, then why we keep wishing, why we cant stop wishing.

lalu kemudian bertanya-tanya, apakah dengannya confession is something that really worth to try, something that right to do. you might say yes, or maybe no. but, one I remembered from the talks is "I might actually will lose her no matter I confess or not, so I take the risk".

--

well, it will never be same again since she realizes that she might have a further feeling no matter how much she tries. and she finally knows that she's been losing him at that point, either she confesses or not.

she was going through the hard days, the time when she just wants to disappear to make her happy, because she always has a guilty feeling, feeling so bad because she even doesnt know whether she can be really happy if he is happy (with someone else), she just cant be her-really-self how much she really wants to, because she cant stop expecting, she will always do.

but then she realizes that she is sad when he faces hard times, she feels really sorry, and she does wish his happiness, she wishes he will be fine.

even if she chooses to confess she still might lose him with all the what-if-s, the awkward moments, the rejections, the break ups.

if she actually has been losing him since the first place, then is confession still really worth to try? she just has no clue.

and with all the stories in the drama and real life, she then realizes that no matter how much she thinks she might like him right now, at the end she might choose someone who always there, helping her with all her problems, choosing her as she is, not only as an available options, accepting her for good and bad, made her feel that she is the one, that she is his home.

and once she finally opens her heart and decides to be with someone, then at that time, he's lost his chance, there is no more second chance.

and as taylor swift said, "and if you wanted me, you really should've showed".


yours truly always, 

Ayu