about being a part of someone else's life i actually made this draft days ago, but i think it is worth to be an end year writing. i was writing last year, questioning will i be better, but i dont think i need to go through those sadness to be a better person. i mean, i dont feel i am better one now, i feel i am still the same person. but, i've just realized that although i thought everything is undercontrol (or vice versa), if He said happened, it will happen. maybe i feel more berserah to Him, meskipun aku ngerasa selama ini juga sudah terlalu pasrah, haha.  i have been trying to appreciate moments and opportunities esp. with my parents since covid when my dad was hospitalized almost four years ago. the first time he was hospitalized in my life and the first time we knew that he had high blood glucose. his doctor (with Allah permission) saved his life and i just realized that we had additional four years of normal life with him that i will never regret (he was allowed to stop ...

  and the worst part is i dont know why i am sad. i still cant find the reason why, because i thought i shouldnt feel so..

  did i appreciate you enough when you were around? did i say i miss you when you were not around? i've just watched eternal sunshine of spotless mind. i know i was late for the hype, it's been 20 years. but i do agree the movie is really good. and now i realize that it is not a memory that someone wants to erase, but it is the feeling that attached to it..

hi i am sorry if my writing felt so desperate lately. i try to fuctioning again, but it takes time, longer and harder than i expected.  it turns out that the lost feeling remains the same even though it has been a day, a week, a month. i thought it will get smaller, but i think it is not. i hope it shall pass one day.  but hamdallah, He give me opportunities to meet so many kind people who help me getting through this. understand my situation. checking on me sometimes. i feel very gratefull and i hope He will also give His kindness for them.  i know that i have difficulties to share what i feel, and that is one of the reasons why i write here. maybe because i need to make sure my expectation so i will not feel more sadness.  and if you may read it somehow, i am really sorry. i am sorry for not being a good friend (esp. for mila). and thank you for ever being part of my life. thanks a lot for being a really good friend, as always. very best,  Ayu, your friend, al...

  how do you deal with guilty feeling that sometimes comes in mind. and all the what ifs it happened differently. 

  my dad sets the bar too high for being a dad, a husband, a son, a worker, a human.  how can be i dont miss him

  today is my dad's birthday.  i said to him weeks ago when we ate together that i am really sorry i cant see him in person on his birthday this year (something that never happened for years) because i forgot that i would be still stay overseas for a couple of days. and he was really okay with it. i planned to order some mini tumpeng like mom's birthday for his birthday and buy him a new jeans soon after i arrive. a jeans that he always like after the last one i bought him almost ten years ago as his birthday present right after after i have my first job. and would also ask him about end year plan trip and umra things that i really want him and mom to go with me.  but sometimes plan is just being a plan. i dont have any single thought that i really cant see him on his birthday ever again. if he is still here, i believe he will be happy for his birthday this year because it will be on friday. he always order some nasi kuning boxes for friday morning in the week of everyone...

sometimes it is sunday morning with a peaceful widely smile.. even after a week, people still come in home. and now i think, how blessed my dad is. so many people loss him although he did not talk much. and all of them said that he is a kind person, maybe that was the reason why. . one of many things that i somehow regret is a question that i did not ask him yet: what did you ask for in your long prayer every day..

  i've said that i like read people's orbituary. but i dont know whether i will be able to finish my writing and brave enough to publish it. i've written a lot about my dad in some previous posts, but maybe writing an orbituary will help me grieving.  i wish more people know that he is really a kind person, the best person i've met in my life (besides mom of course).  Will i feel better if i let people know? i know he is in better place now, but still i feel sad sometimes..

  I thought that the best dying is when it is happened on friday, or after hajj/umra, or raining  or suddenly without pain. But after my dad is passed away, in the end it is a peace when we meet Allah. He seems do not feel any fear of dying. He does really die peacefully, and I am seeing him smiles widely, like in his picture that he always do. I will surely miss you a lot dad, but i hope you are in better place now. 

  innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun my dad is passed away today.  I love you dad, forever

  today tiny wisdom published about grief, that made me remember all things i did together with my dad. i have no regrets dad so far to have you in my life.  i love you. always.

  you said that i can reach out you. may i really? this is so sudden and this is really hard. i need comfort words that i have done my best, the most possible i could do. that my dad will forgive me. that Allah will forgive me. i am really sorry dad for all the mistakes that i made. maaf kalau aku ngerepotin papa terus :"

  Aku kira air mata aku udah kering, aku udah kuat dan ngga nangis lagi. I thought that i cant cry again after a lot of tears, but not. It is hard ya Allah, this is really really hard, Astaghfirullah

  people will always judge me based on what i said or what i did. mom will as well, but she validate my emotion, she let me crying for whatever reasons. now i know why it is called 5 stages of grief and why denial is being one of them...

Hi, papa. 26 oct you plan to go to rs today for routine consultation, but not for icu. And you want to go to lempuyangan by train on sunday, but not that lempuyang 1208 room. today is stroke day, but it shouldnt be for you. I know you are strong, we lost you for 4 minutes and alhamdulillah you come back. i am here, dad, we are here. I know you are really a good person and i hope more people will know it. Hasbunallah Wanikmal Wakil Nikmal Maula Wanikman Nasir...

  my dad is in emergency now, please pray for him i thought that i would never going through this, but maybe He knows better, maybe He loves him.  please ya Allah, beri sembuh sehat walafiat. please give me a chance to make him happy. 

ya Allah aku cuma mau hidup tenang ga banyak  drama macem2 ya Allah, energi aku ga banyak 😭😭😭 🤲🤲🤲

  i love talking to you (through my blog posts)  even if i actually have nothing to say  even if i know that you may not come anymore

  kemarin aku pernah menulis: i do believe if you want something good, you need to do it dengan cara yang benar.  tapi ternyata, aku baru disadarkan kalau cara yang benar itu relatif. benar menurut apa atau menurut siapa.  why people keep doing unsensible (bad) things just to be safe or feel right? mungkin hanya perlu menjaga niat baik dan berdoa semoga selalu diberi petunjuk Tuhan. 

Makin dewasa makin menyadari reasons dari keputusan-keputusan nyokap bokap dulu dan mempelajari bagaimana mereka menjalani hidup. identify why they do not have post power syndrom when retired, why they do not look for roi from their kid's achievement, why they can see people equally, why they are fine when things go not as expexted.

 tentang why i did not pick math oneday, a friend asked me about quantitative research and suddenly realized it's been so long having math (and stats) in my life, and i confirmed myself that i've definitely chosen the wrong major when i was s1, but that's okay.  and i was listening mbak mona speech and seeing a diaspora tweeted that his kid wins a math olimpiade at his first attempt, and i was like, there are reasons why i always give comments when it comes to sekolah unggulan, osn, kesempatan, etc etc, and how it might affect intergenerational mobility (or maybe i just have survivorship bias). jadi, i really know math since i was in junior high school from a very kind math teacher. as i have ever said, gue sd di sebuah sd negeri di pinggir jakarta yang bahkan dipake untuk dua sekolah, pagi dan sore, dan lulusannya masuk smp negeri aja udah bagus (just because the school was near to my ex kindergarten which was the nearest from home, and also, it was not that expensive). i...

  🙎‍♀️: it is my wish come true 🙎‍♂️: then why are you so sad?

  Berpura pura bahwa kita baik baik saja. As tiny wisdom said weeks ago. Jadi, daripada aku pusing mikirin drama (yang sebenarnya aku ngga mau tau juga), aku mau cerita aja kalau aku akhirnya memutuskan datang acaranya tiny wisdom setelah lama ragu-ragu. I like how tiny wisdom draws about feelings, jadinya waktu dia open registration untuk acaranya di jakarta, aku daftar lebih karena support aja tapi sebenarnya masih ga niat bgt untuk datang. Aku biasanya males bgt keluar rumah kalau ga perlu. Mungkin lifestyle changed as pandemic happened. Waktu hari acaranya sampai memutuskan untuk nanya orang2 terdekat, should i come, or not. Padahal agak jarang nanya orang untuk ambil keputusan, but not this time, gegara sangat malas, dan mendung banget waktu itu, liat prakiraan cuaca akan hujan juga, dan lagi agak pilek juga, dan ngerasa jauh banget di pusat jakarta yang agak tidak ramah krl dan sejenisnya. Terus scroll instagram (iya, akhirnya aku punya instagram wkwk), terus baca komen2 oran...

but i hope He will always take care of me. He will make me feel I am fine. 

  i actually have many reasons of decision in life which i sometimes shared with people around. maybe i should write about this. 

  mom deserves happines in the world and the hereafter. i do really wish she will always happy, with or without me who make her happy.  and dad also. 

untuk pertama kalinya ga sadar sen kanan belok kiri. merasa sangat amat super duper bodoh. kok bisa, padahal selama ini misuhh2 kalau nemu hal kaya gitu di jalan. cuma lewat satu lampu merah, bisa bisanya gue salah sen. sepanjang hari istighfar terus, ga percaya, kok bisa. meskipun ga ada kejadian apa apa, sejujurnya ini sedih banget.  berdoa semoga yang marah2 di jalan karena kejadian tadi udah lupa dan baik baik aja...  semoga ga lagi lagi dan gapernah lagi kaya gini.. semoga selalu dijaga Allah..

  dunia ini isinya kalau ngga selingkuh, kdrt, lgbt. then what you'd expected? oh, dan korupsi juga.

  but, deep inside, i know for sure that you dont want to see my life. i know exactly that you even never want to. and i fully understand it shouldnt be a matter, but why i am sad.

another random rant an old writing.  i was a little bit shock and devastated after the quick count a few months ago. i've never felt like this before for any other election in my life. it is not merely because the lost, rasanya lebih seperti dikhianati kehidupan nyata kalau real world can be so awful. di dunia nyata, kejahatan menang melawan kebaikan. did you see what happen in gaza? and no one, no any single person can stop israel do the genocide. i feel like dissapointed karena ternyata moral value yang selama ini gue punya bukan common practice. well, i guess ~40% warga masih punya common sense yang sama, but it is not enough ternyata. i was planning to write about life values to help me remember what my parents pass on me. years ago, i was thinking apa sih value, and then i think, maybe it is too "sok bener". but after the election and what happen in the world, i rethink and  i realize that i feel so gratefull that i was raised with values from mom and dad that maybe ...

  if i can rewind the time, would i let myself to act differently, would i say something...

  that's fine, i will be fine..

  i've met you, in my dream, last night

maybe.i.should.not.watch.one.day would it be easier if i know that you are with someone else? that i know i really finally lost you? that you wouldnt come anymore

i like how tiny wisdom talks about feelings. it feels like i am not alone with my pikiran benang kusut facing my adulting journey.  their post about turning 30 popped up not longer after my birthday. or the last one about  friendship suddenly appears after i drafted about a strange feeling of forgetting someone. it feels like maybe we are at the same phase of life, and somehow i find it is relieving that other person may feel the same.  -------------- have you ever felt a guilty feeling about forgetting someone?  i usually have a low attachment with most of people i met in life. kaya ya udah, people come and go, and it is fine.  but, suddenly, i dont know why but i feel a strange feeling of being so sad that i may not remember you anymore, that i dont know you anymore.  i realize that people may forget me, and do not recognize me. so, i feel it was okay for me that i may also forget people i met. this is one of the reason why sometimes i asked: will you say...

  to save yourself first, what does it really mean? i was rethinking this so many times and today i feel like is it really a sign from Him?  ini tuh rasanya kaya di situasi mau resign to save myself but am i really sure to leave my kind workmates? it feels like so egois, but maybe i can make more opportunities. maybe i can take mom and dad and families one day after i take that risk? should I? really, should I? sudahlah patah hati dengan 50% rakyat indonesia, masih harus patah hati juga because maybe i cant see your life anymore dan semakin patah hati juga karena tidak bisa lagi makan mcd ice cream to pukpuk myself.

  tomorow is election day. and i have undescribable feeling for this, but i really hope Allah will save us. last five years, i made no vote, but not this time. please vote, wisely. 

  too many things i want to write. should i write my opinions, my life values, my experiences, my sad feelings, or what...