i am eating the vanilla ice cream that you remembered i'd wanted to order the last time we've met.  and it turns out too sweet but i like it, eventhough i know it is bad for my brain, but i dont care, at least for now.  i revisit the last post you have visited, and i still have no clue whether my feeling is right or wrong. maybe my intuition was never right in the first place. maybe it was only in my imagination (and in my dream). and you never come again since then, and i thought maybe you find someone else, but that's okay  just if you want to know, i am not really good currently and i know it is none responsibility to make me feel better. and i dont want to spread the negativity. but i just feel like i am a mess.  i have messy thoughts and etc. i know and understand that in this economy  i shoud be more grateful, thankful, stronger, work harder.  many times i feel guilty and i was always questioning did my decision is a reflection of ungratefulnes...

  the worst thing is just because i know the answer, it cant be the reason. it is not their responsibility to understand my struggling and i need to keep functioning but i keep hurting and dissapointing every one. and i dont know what to do...

  about being not typical not in my 32 that i suddenly realized a pattern throughout my lifetime which then lead me finding an answer why it happened.  i was frequently in low conditions for the last 10 months but i never thought that i will face the hard truth.  it was unconsiously triggered by the lost feeling that i was never thought it affect me emotionally that much. i cant function really well and burn out and all the things happened lately easily triggered the traumas which suddenly appeared in the surface. and i realized the pattern that sometimes appeared in some years of my life and i am scared that it will be getting worse. it was the reason why i said i want to quit somedays ago.  i then realized that there is something inside me unresolved for really a long time.  actually it turns out my brain wired differently for all this time. and i think the probability is 70-80% true, because all i have been going through are make sense now. why  int...

  coincidence series part i dont know.. have you ever feel strange when you have a thought about someone wondering would they remember and suddenly they asked the things that you've thought about. and i am pretty sure  (with high probability) that they did not read my writings.  it feels so strange more than someone said, hi i met you in my dream.

  one thing that i love from my dad is he do a lot of good deeds but never brag about it (and never tell people to do it either). and never feel like more enlighten, superior, etc etc by being more religous from other people.  and i know exactly the feeling of not good enough just because i am not in the level of people wants/expectation. and my dad never make me feel so.  when you do something good because it is something that right to do, and not because the fear of losing your rewards. he is really sincere and surrender.  and somehow sometimes i feel like i will see him tomorrow morning when i wake up and then realize he is not there anymore