noticeable

 

i am eating the vanilla ice cream that you remembered i'd wanted to order the last time we've met. 

and it turns out too sweet but i like it, eventhough i know it is bad for my brain, but i dont care, at least for now. 

i revisit the last post you have visited, and i still have no clue whether my feeling is right or wrong. maybe my intuition was never right in the first place. maybe it was only in my imagination (and in my dream). and you never come again since then, and i thought maybe you find someone else, but that's okay 

just if you want to know, i am not really good currently and i know it is none responsibility to make me feel better. and i dont want to spread the negativity. but i just feel like i am a mess. 

i have messy thoughts and etc. i know and understand that in this economy  i shoud be more grateful, thankful, stronger, work harder.  many times i feel guilty and i was always questioning did my decision is a reflection of ungratefulness. He gave me a lot of rizq that i really gratefull for but sometimes you just know something is wrong, and you were questioning yourself "what should i do". 

i do really like what i do, and i really meant it. it was what i really wish for years and i have a lot of ideas etc. and i have the best bosses in my entire career so far. i know i should not give up, but my brain just cant cooperate. how hard i try, i just dont feel any better. 

i know it is not a good way of conflict management and reconcoliation. i cant always fly when i feel uncomfortable feelings and this is why i realize i have avoidant attachment. i always think they may and deserve to find someone better. it is not i dont feel i have no value. i respect myself a lot, i did not do something evil, i did not cheat, i am a relative good human being, but my brain turns out just not typical and i cant fulfill everyone's needs. 

i was frequently in low and up conditions for months. and suddenly i realized the pattern throughout my whole lifetime. i always said there is something inside me that needs to be fixed, but i wasnt aware that it actually finally affects my daily real life. i was thinking it was just the attachment problem or a grieving process, but it was turns out more than that.

i dont have enough reason to stay. and i was thinking that my family will always (i hope) accept me in both low and high condition, but i dont know if anyone else will. and i know for sure that it is not their responsibility. and considering my condition, i keep thinking maybe i cant have a good career, i cant work at my dad ever wished for me, i cant be a good wife or a good mom that people may expect. 

but the thing is work is work, and i keep breaking promises, and i am being a bottleneck, and i hurt everyone eventhough i dont have any intention to do so.  

and this not typical brain not only affect how i work but also what i feel. it was the reason why i may able to feel other people's emotion and when it is not sync with me, i feel easily tired and it makes me cant do anything. i honestly feel all those overload sensory and overwhelmed emotions since a long time ago. it is kind of when you know, you know. i can easily feel the disrispectfullness, ungratefullness, angry feelings, and all the negative emotions. and questioning people's decision that i shouldnt think of. i may not really care at that time, but currently my defense wall is broken. and it absorbs my energy that already limited. 

i may also have those negative emotions. maybe the most noticeable of me that makes people dont like me is insecurity but i have my own reason for it. and that is why i cant pretend and i dont have any strategy because i dont have any hidden intention. and i quite sincere  everytime i am doing something. 

and for my lovely mother, i really love her so much, and i am really sorry for always make you dissapointed.

i am just tired for what i feel and i think. i hope i will be better soon. and i hope you pray for me too, as well as i always pray for you. 

best,

Ayu