sejujurnya, 2025 ini super sangat roller coaster. saking banyaknya surprise, ngga tau mau nulis end year post mulai dari mana...

tentang closure jadi, kmrn psikolog aku bilang kalau aku harus punya closure. karena katanya, kalau ngga, aku jadi ngga memberi kesempatan diriku membuka orang baru untuk masuk. i know she was right, apalagi dengan semua hiperfixation ini, tapi pikiran ego aku seperti biasa mengatakan buat apa. one thing is of course aku ngga mau jadi asshole. buat apa mengatakan semua harapan yang tanpa sadar aku punya. buat apa menanyakan was my intuition right, that it was you. buat apa memberikan hadiah yang sudah bertahun tahun aku simpan.  buat apa.  aku kira aku udah proses closure dengan semua tulisan tulisan yang kubuat sebelumnya. dengan 500 words essay that i never sent. dengan semua logika yang aku paksakan bahwa semua keputusanku masuk akal. dengan semua kesempatan yang pernah ada. setelah bertahun tahun, aku kira aku sudah overcome the feeling meskipun akhirnya aku sadar kalau aku selalu ada di state ini selama ini.  https://x.com/2lastvibes/status/1998573382665908404?s=20 p...

  i've just realized, maybe, just maybe we are just too way much different. and if she was me, maybe i will do something differently, that maybe you will disagree. and that's why it wont work, between you and me.  but i hope you will be happy. and i will be happy too someday

coincidences series: dreams (continue) i never think seriously about dream again since the dream i saw in high school. a vivid dream about i was being a surgeon right after i did my istikharah. but turns out i was failed (and years after i am gratefull for it). i start not believe in my dream, including the-lists-of-dreams things. because again, it can be something you regret when you achieve it. and it gives you hurt feelings even more. that is why i wrote something like, punya keinginan, ya ingin aja, tapi ngga terkabul juga ngga papa.  but then i realized that i try to always listen my feelings (eventhough i have some struggles for it of course). i chosed nutrition in five minutes and i chosed econs also in five minutes and almost all the jobs i had that maybe i will share somewhen.  long short story, i am really gratefull that i never regret so far for the weird decision i made.  around 8 years ago.. i've just realized that i start to remember about my dream again aft...

  about add so, i am in sabbatical (and feel so grateful to have very kind bosses that allow me to do so). it has been almost two months so far. and if you wonder what i get from my pause. it is a confirmation diagnosis of my condition. as i said, for the first time in my life, i seek professional help because i dont know what i feel and i think i need a therapy. and i was confirmed that i have attention deficit.  in my 32 years of life. dan as expected, avoidant attachment, with borderline to depression (tapi alhamdulillah ngga papa). dan somehow terefleksi as oldest daughter syndrom. although she said that diagnosis nya belum tegak. and i think i still need second opinion.  do i deny? aku ngga tau. mungkin kaya masih setengah ngga percaya kalau my brain wired differently.  awalnya tiba tiba ada post beberapa bulan lalu  tentang time blindless sebagai salah satu gejala add, it felt so resonate with me. apalagi waktu itu aku lagi di the edge of breakdown. terus ...

  jadi, gimana ceritanya ada yang tau that i plan to be back next month.....

  and as fleabag said “i don't know what to do with it, with all the love i have, i don't know where to put it now” 

  i was wondering when i lost my dad, people came and said how kind my dad is. and i had  strange feelings because i was happy knowing that my dad is really a good person but still it cant make him back.  but, yes, i am really glad to know that he is very kind.  and when i got a condolecense message about the passing of a very good friend, then i was wondering what would the kids think when a lot of people said how kind their mother is. at first, i was mistakenly read the message, i thought it was her husband, but it is her. a really dear friend, a very patience, and sabr, and cheerfull mother. never complain about life. and i was remember she was asking me "kamu ngga papa?" when she knew that my sister was getting married in a very caring tone voice when i was drove her to train station. she is really kind person and i am lucky to know her. i hope and i know she go in peace and heaven is her best place now. and i was really shock but again, life never stops to surpr...

  this is disclaimer, again.  if you want and decide to read, please save your judgement for yourself. because i hope if people have a willingness to read, their reason is to try understand my thoughts and feelings and not to fulfill their curiosity ego. this is my safespace and my kind of creative medium and if you read just to make validation for your judgement or expectation or curiosity about me or whatever, please save your time by not reading it. you can always go to other people's social media status or post or whatever. you dont need to always see my updates if you have those reasons and not to try understand me and my thoughts from any writings that i decide to share and i hope that you respect me enough that i dont owe any explanation to anyone. you still can ask me if you need anything and i will respond as my best as you wish. the coincidence series : dreams atually, i wrote this for celebrating the 10 years after graduation last august just to find months later th...

  and not enough i grieve about my dad, my probably-undiagnosed-divergence, myself being an asshole, and now my broken heart.  and maybe it was true that my intuition is sometimes wrong. maybe it was never you since the first time.  but it was not without reason. i have a lot of reasons. and if one day i found my intuition was true, i make a promise to myself, i will write my story about it.  about an apa kabar message that you have sent after i wrote the apa kabar post.  about i saw you in my dream that you would go so far away to pursue higher degree months ago before you said to me so.  about you who i wish was sejin for mirae, someone who read the post i made, someone who found me in the crowded place.  and about i saw you again in my dream but you were with someone else pretty that again it is true. i dont know why life is so funny lately. and i finally read again my short writings that maybe you would never see. but thank you for coming in my lif...

this is november  and my dad would really like november. he was born in november, the 11th month of a year, on 22 which if you divided by 2 will give you 11, in 1956, and 56 was his favorit number that if you add those two, it will give you 11.  and my phone suddenly give me a reminder that november four years ago was my first time having biztrip abroad that my dad was seen very happy. even though i said to him to not tell anyone, but he still shared it anyway. he would use the tshirt i bought for him at sideway small shop in london and that manchester united gray or arsenal navy hat. he still used them although i wasnt be able to find his favourite club, ac milan.  i know he will be happy if he knows i will go to another country (i know he knows up there) this november for a couple of days. and i do hope it will give me a good experiences like he had that always captured in all of his old pictures.  and i hope i can make his wishes come true someday and i will make ...

  sayangnya, jadi manusia dewasa ngga boleh kabur terus terusan...

  i sometimes wonder, if i write vurnerably apakah itu kind of share the aib. but then, this is one of the way to help me cope, help me think rationally, help me understand what i really feel. i face some problems in life of course, but it doesnt mean that people around me were bad persons nor negate that i dont have the rights to feel uncomfortable.  it is what it is. i finally facing myself that i cant always fly. then i decide to start asking for help, i seek a professional help. and she kind of said that i definitely need a help. she offered me to go to psychiatrist, but i think i want to try work on myself.  it is hard. accept the situation itself is already hard, but pretend over and over again that i am okay and strong all the time is also hard. and being previously high functioning adult makes it more harder.  i am lucky enough i guess to acknowledge the problem before it is too late, before i find myself really depressed or i face motherhood or i am in a rea...

  about rejection  i've said that it is not rejection that i fear the most. but then i realized that i choose the rejection in my entire life that i think i may be able to handle. job rejection, scholarship rejection, fellowship rejection. if i may say, i am quite good to overcome that kind of rejection.  i think it was because a thought that i was rejected for my skill or abilities or achievement but i do not feel being rejected for me as a person.   and maybe that is reason why i dont have any gank in school. i think i avoid to feel rejected or to be left, which then makes me choose and try to not  being part of a gank as an unconsious defense mechanism. and i really thankfull enough that i have something else to busy with.  i choose the situation that i have more control and i avoid attachment that makes me feel i possibly have less control to not feel rejected. and i've just realized that i face really hard struggles when i feel rejected as a perso...

  about falling what do people feel when they fall for someone? how do they know that they fall and not just for their curriousity? do they confuse whether they really miss them or just want to know? but why the curriousity doesnt appear for anyone else, for other people they've met in life?  do they find the feeling is ruining their life? do they know the reasons why they fall? because i dont, and it makes it harder for me because i cant find any reason to justify what i feel.  but why it feels like you really want to understand them better. or being beside them, esp when things get hard. i watch in a film and hear in a song that it only needs 5 second when you realize that you fall for someone (or even 2 seconds).  is that true?  do you really fall or it is just something to fulfill the void in your life? and why do people have so much criteria, standards, etc. why cant fall is enough? and why cant the feeling come and go as you wish, how hard you try. 

  sometimes in life, when you are struggling to find what you're looking for, He give you other things that make you surprised or remind you something you've forgotten.  i was looking for my dad's document today, eventhough i still cant find it anyway. but i found the documents of his entire career history, some surprising kindness that he never told, also found his old pictures when he went abroad (he really did make it), and maybe a reason and answer of my questions about what He wants me to do that appeared in one of my lowest situation early in this year. looking back to august 2021, i was writing some notes that i actually forget about how i learn about life from my dad (and my mom). I learn about study and work can be a fulfillment, also meet someone who help you thorough out career and education journey will make it so much different.  it is started when my dad and me was cleaning up the gudang that day, and threw some stuff that has been hoarding for years, and tu...

  As taylor swift likes sad songs, i like to read and write sad essays.  And algorithm makes me find a really good one. I honestly was questioning will i regret my decision, and i am wondering until today even after so many chances in these past years. I try so hard to get over it, and i thought i finally be okay, but turns out it is not since the day i meet you again after so many years.  I think about you without even trying, and i cant explain why.  I am not scared to show people if i really care for them, but i dont know why it will always be different with you.  And you were the one chance I didn’t take. You were the unsent question that i really want to ask but keep staying in my mind.  I hope i will not regret it, because i think the probabality is near zero although i always wish (and thought) it was you. but finally, it is really zero, actually. I hope i will find my happines someday, and i always hope the same for you too.  https://x.com/here...

  i am sometimes always surprised when He makes me find something or someone that so relatable and helps me for the situations or problems that i face in life.  and now it was the two and half hour of emma's interview in jay's podcast. and it made me write a reflection post in my twitter, and being vurnerable to say, i currently actually have a lot of messy thoughts.  i was saying that watching her during the interview is like seeing myself in some last hard conversations that i had last week. the wandering gazes during the conversation, and the breaking voice before cries and tears, and that obvious doubt feeling to explain that you simply dont have any bad intention for anyone in any of your decision. and finally have a courage for being vurnerable to feel and be seen so desperate to be understood without judgement and expectations by people around you. and the opening quote really hits me hard. "you now have a career and life that like a dream" i've been so sca...

  you will find a lover like you and me maybe you will find someone who writes about you. as well as i will find someone who always read my writings. and i wish when that moment comes you will brave enough to ask, to tell them what you really feel. from the weird conversations to the strange dreams. from the smiles and waving hands to the prays that never said. maybe deep inside we just know somehow.  maybe i always know that someone who always read my writing is someone who i always writing about. and maybe you always know writings that you read is not only about me, it is also about you. it is always you.  would it be you for all this time? 

  i am eating the vanilla ice cream that you remembered i'd wanted to order the last time we've met.  and it turns out too sweet but i like it, eventhough i know it is bad for my brain, but i dont care, at least for now.  i revisit the last post you have visited, and i still have no clue whether my feeling is right or wrong. maybe my intuition was never right in the first place. maybe it was only in my imagination (and in my dream). and you never come again since then, and i thought maybe you find someone else, but that's okay  just if you want to know, i am not really good currently and i know it is none responsibility to make me feel better. and i dont want to spread the negativity. but i just feel like i am a mess.  i have messy thoughts and etc. i know and understand that in this economy  i shoud be more grateful, thankful, stronger, work harder.  many times i feel guilty and i was always questioning did my decision is a reflection of ungratefulnes...

  the worst thing is just because i know the answer, it cant be the reason. it is not their responsibility to understand my struggling and i need to keep functioning but i keep hurting and dissapointing every one. and i dont know what to do...

  about being not typical not in my 32 that i suddenly realized a pattern throughout my lifetime which then lead me finding an answer why it happened.  i was frequently in low conditions for the last 10 months but i never thought that i will face the hard truth.  it was unconsiously triggered by the lost feeling that i was never thought it affect me emotionally that much. i cant function really well and burn out and all the things happened lately easily triggered the traumas which suddenly appeared in the surface. and i realized the pattern that sometimes appeared in some years of my life and i am scared that it will be getting worse. it was the reason why i said i want to quit somedays ago.  i then realized that there is something inside me unresolved for really a long time.  actually it turns out my brain wired differently for all this time. and i think the probability is 70-80% true, because all i have been going through are make sense now. why  int...

  coincidence series part i dont know.. have you ever feel strange when you have a thought about someone wondering would they remember and suddenly they asked the things that you've thought about. and i am pretty sure  (with high probability) that they did not read my writings.  it feels so strange more than someone said, hi i met you in my dream.

  one thing that i love from my dad is he do a lot of good deeds but never brag about it (and never tell people to do it either). and never feel like more enlighten, superior, etc etc by being more religous from other people.  and i know exactly the feeling of not good enough just because i am not in the level of people wants/expectation. and my dad never make me feel so.  when you do something good because it is something that right to do, and not because the fear of losing your rewards. he is really sincere and surrender.  and somehow sometimes i feel like i will see him tomorrow morning when i wake up and then realize he is not there anymore

  sometimes i wonder, what would my dad say in this time of crisis, since he was going through a lot of crisis before...

  never in my life plan (although i dont have any actually) that i would ask to quit a day before my-10-years after graduation. and suddenly without notice, the next day became another indonesia may-soon-to-be revolution. but being a part of the history is really a thing. i grow up by reading many books about good vs evil, harry potter, narnia, lotr, hunger games and watch the film. and somehow i feel, today situation is kind of hunger games, when all those bad people with power are untouchable. but as much as i sometimes hate indonesia, i hope this country will have a better future. but why it feel this country is getting worse day by day. there are more than 270 million people here and why cant we have a good running government, a bare minimum at least. although i hate drama and violance, but i cant silence for injustice. and i hope He let me to always stand for the right side. sometimes i wonder, if i speak up about injustice too much, will it affect my opportunities in getting ...

  tomorrow is august, 28th.  and it should be 10 years after graduation and i was planning to write some reflections.  rather than finally have my bravery to talk that i want to quit this morning. these past three weeks has been one of the lowest phases in my life. it was no one's fault. it is me, the problem is me. and before it will be going to get worse, i need to talk, therefore they have better risk  mitigation.  i said i cried a lot this days when i am alone, sometimes in front of my mom and she never gave me a judgement. then my sister came and i talked to her finally as someone who i know i can talk to no matter what. and i was saying that lately, i even questioning why i am even doing this.  i've been trying so hard, but maybe not hard enough.  but then as far as i remember, every time i decide to quit, my dad never asked me why. he never demand the reason why and it is really relieving. why i stop learn bicycle, why my sister change her major...

  i was recently thinking why would i write, and the more important question, why would someone read my random writings.  i mean i have a really mundane life, that i assume no one wants to know. i rarely think about achievement and i dont think anyone would be interested. i have so many random thoughts but they were only my opinions, i bet they wont give you some trivia moments.  i dont find my life is that interested to make someone wants to know. and i rarely share it anyway because i somehow believe if they do really care, they will come anyway.  then why should i write besides i just want to throw my random thoughts?

  my weakest strength which very strongly explain the reason/evidence why  1. the 100 mimpi lists, to do lists or that kind of things never worked for me 2. i always feel everything was because His bless/luck/coincidence 3. i sometimes attract people who i feel they see me as a broken part that need to be fixed which maybe it is true. oh and i cant multitask

  kayanya kalau ada magic skill yang gue harap semua orang punya, itu adalah reading people's mind.  imagine how many life and time and energy will be saved.

  i dont know how i should face the grief properly. i am trying, really hard.  i try to be seen strong for my mom and my sister and people beside me, but i still cry deeply sometimes when i am alone. and the worst part is i dont know why i am sad but the tears just keep coming. and it feels really hurts.  when i read a debate about sore, i just wondering that someone who never going through a massive grieving in their life maybe could not relate with those spiralling never ending ifs. it is not merely about fix someone, it would be fix the situation, decision, anything that you could do differently that will give you more time to be with someone you lost. i know all the theories and things that i should do. and i dont need judgement because i am trying really hard for it. but i dont know what i actually need to help me cope.  i wish and hope i will be better and my dad will be happy seing me grow. kamu mungkin tidak akan hadir to help me feel a little bit better tapi...

  you have done the right thing, Ayu.  dont worry and that's okay.

there is one thing that i realized. your prejudice on something or someone is really influence your decision and ruin your objectivity. and that is why, your first intention is really important and it is supposed to be free from prejudice. it will reflect what you are stand for. you are no longer looking for strategy because you know what your real intention of your decision.  real intention doesnt inline with any strategy whatever movement. i know it sounds really cliche and naive. but it helps me have a good life and peace of mind. i hate any of strategy, personally..

  hey, after i lost my dad, i think i change i my mind.  i think, i would still want to have my dad in my life, although i know i will lost him.  i realized that so much loves that i get from him made the sad feeling of losing him a little bit easier to bear. 

  about finding yourself if there is a theme for this week, maybe it would be something about to not lost yourself.  after i saw a short video about an ending of a drama, i finally decided to watch the whole episodes this week.  then i watched unwritten seoul. ambil waktu tipis2 while in the middle of a bunch things to do (and took a whole saturday to watch 6 episodes in a row). the most reason awalnya karena gue lagi banyak wondering tentang writings. i will tell you about this other time. but it was one of best decision. the drama is really really good, and become my top 3 favorites so far.  and again i was amazed how some arts portrayed some of my life that much in my life episodes. because this is my first life with the gary becker quotes, or when life give your tangerine (aku masih belum sanggup nonton) appeared suddenly after i lost my dad, and many other things, and now this.  as i posted before, there is a scene in unwritten seoul that made me realized t...

  jadi, reality club is releasing a new a song. you will find a lover like you and me. i am not into the band tho, but i like to read how people share their feelings in the timeline. it was like reading love letter series. you will find the sadness, the bitterness, but also some hopes. they are all beautifully written.  and ya, just like the theme. the relationship doesnt work out.  i recently was thinking that relationship is really fragile, including with family members, friends, workmates, your loved ones (or people you once loved). and that is sad anyway.  is it weird that people can change from loving someone to hating someone? i once had experiences when i feel people hate me anyway without knowing what my fault is. tapi kaya ya udah, maybe it just doesnt work out.  but i hope we live with big open heart. i hope we will always choose kindness instead of bitterness. i hope we will find the good side of other people and situations (except those evil bad peop...

maybe i am too afraid to ask. but why?

  a midnight random thoughts jadi ada beberapa pola yang kadang gue rasa gue temui ketika ngobrol dengan orang dewasa atau baca timeline dari orang dewasa. there is a sense of how much you should earn or how strong the power that you have or how should you to be success or how high you are in the population hierarchy.  it doesnt mean that is bad though, it is just how the world works. but there are a very few people who i dont find that sense. and that kind of people is super rarely found. people who see themselves and other people as who they are. people who just do what they need to do and they like it and they good at it but at the same time their values is not solely depend on their achievement or their job position. with all abundance of information and what people share in social media, and they bubbling how hard it is and how proud they are and how good it feels achieveing higher ladder, moving to higher social status, then i feel an opportunity to meet  a humbly p...

  do i believe in love stories? yes i do.  will i have my own? well i actually dont know, but a wish will not make it any worse.

  coincidences part four: numbers and dates one days ago, someone asked my favorite number to be put as random generator and i was freezing and ended up saying i dont have any. if i was asked many long time ago, i would easily said it is  9, a magic number between 0-9. but it is really hard since dad's icu bed number was 9 and the room number was 1201 and 1208.  but then, last lebaran (my first lebaran after he's gone), i revisited our chats and pictures and anything and i have so many good memories with him on many big days, and many other days. i start to like 9 again after seeing so many wishes and loves i get from him. and now i realized maybe for him, big days celebration  is a way to celebrate good life that He gave, a way of thankfullness. and i know he will be really happy for idul adha this year. the next four days will also be mom and dad's 33 years anniversary, but at the same time 7 months without him.  i read rian's tweet some times ago, it said som...

  i would like to hear your stories as much as i want to share mine. 

  what a really busy week kumohon doakan aku!

hi, how was your day?  sometimes i wish i could share how my day was to someone else, a person who will not judge me or scold me or blame me, someone who accepting it is what it is.  i wish i could share everything like i did to my dad who always make me feel calm down and heard but at the same time doesnt make me feel guilty or reason of problem or a burden, although sometimes i am, it is me, i am the problem. sometimes i wonder, how he can be so patient (and mom also). i know i can always share stories with my mom or my sister, but i dont want to make them worry.  alhamdulillah and i really thankful that most of the time He solved the problem and gave solution, but i just want bubbling sometimes.  i think i need a safe space to bubbling but i dont know where, maybe here is not the right place. 

  it has been six months yesterday, but the lost feeling remains the same although i know he is in peace.  i was back from a (mandatory) business trip and let my mom being alone at home for a couple of days. of course i miss her but she is the strongest and the most rational person, allow me to go and ask me to surrender. i called her every day and thanks to the talking cctv, a worth today technology that i knew from my friend.  this is maybe one of the heavy thoughts that i want to write to help me cope. it feels really hard to do and if you want and may read this, please save your judgement for yourself. sometimes i remember, when that emergency day happened and i was be able go home really fast, i was thinking that it would be okay. we arrived at hospital in around 30 minutes, it was still golden time. his lab result was good, i have a thought that everything is under control, but i still lost him.  i do still thankfull and gratefull that He let me being his side ...

  is there any possibility that you are a friend of mine? but who? and why?

  if i tell you my stories or what i feel or what i go through these days, what would you possible to say? people say manusia adalah makhluk sosial, but how if menjadi makhluk sosial just give you unwanted more problems? conflicts, debates, jealousy, more life drama. tapi mungkin manusia memang akan selalu salah dan ngga pernah cukup di mata manusia lain. people will always judge me anyway, they will always have prejudice. whatever real reason/intention that i may have. susah banget memang menjadi manusia...

  when i feel strange that anything suddenly fall in place, i was wondering is it really a sign. and asked Him, and He replied very fast.  i know since the start, it will be a no, but still i feel sad, a little bit. i think i really need a vanila ice ceam

  coincidences part three: a random conversation it is "i am here". words that i have never thought i need the most before i heard someone said so.  i am really grateful having thoughtful persons around me. but suddenly in some random conversations, i heard someone said "i am here", many times to reassure me and convince me that i will find a person who will always be there and makes me feel that i will not be alone. words that i never thought i would hear from someone that i least expected out of nowhere who did not know me before.  i just cant help myself to think it is what i really need to hear these days, "i am here" while everyone just wants to leave.  my dad, friends, workmates, an old time crush. i cant stop thinking that they chose to leave even though i know people do come and go and i understand they go for good. but "i am here" is another level of words. and it hit me so hard, really hard. ternyata aku ngga butuh compliment whatever, ...

  coincidences part two: arts when i said coincidences, it feels really good when you find some arts that grow with you. when it resonates at some parts of life phases that makes you feel less alone. one of them is tiny wisdom. they (coincidently) published a really good piece yesterday. it was about love and it was ended with a really good hope. I hope you can see how love has always found its way into your life—even in the tiniest things and i coincidently read someone's tweet in a timeline about goodbye and googled it. it is really good, a sincere one. a strange feeling about letting go with so much if. and i dont know why i cant resist to smile how much i want to behave. but i cant be doomed again. - to be continue -

  about coincidences in life today (or yesterday) is really tiring.  this is the first day after long holiday season for most of people, although we officially start on 9. i just found a fact that i need to go through out birocrautic hurdles only for a legal  evidence letter. i got three times cancel when ordering online taxi after seing doctors with less than 3% of phone battery but didnot bring charger while it was almost 7 pm. i got sleep early but wake up in the midnight with bunch of high tension work-related chats. and when i want to work my laptop is hang now, i restarted it and it is still freezing.  and i cant imagine emotional work loads this morning. it is not really a good start for my new age. while usually it started with a warm congratulation message from my dad in our family chat group.  i need more zen in life. i drafted a birthday post, but it was not really well though. but sometimes it is better done than perfect. it is about coincidences tha...

  happy birthday, dear ayu

  there is a class that i hate the most. it is ethics and negotation which made us think to intervene people's decision.  gue sebel banget dengan idea tentang politics, strategies, advocacy, whatever you name it to smooth your own agenda. it is really sickening for me. apalagi menggunakan orang lain atau membuat mereka berada di posisi seolah it is their own decision and not intervened/directed decisions.  like why you are not being responsible for your opinion or idea or whatever and put it to someone else. i just cant understand.  if you want to make strategies, just do it by your own. please, let other people agree or disagree with you freely, independently.  i know i sound like someone who believe everyone is good/rational/utopis, etc. sangat nyebelin maybe this time. but i hate with that kind of practice. i think it is sort of being manipulated. and i hope will not being that kind of person.  if i dont want to, i will say i dont want to, and not make t...

  cant i just have a problem-free-life for a while? cant i have some laughs in my-recent-messy days..

  about eid mubarok last eid was very near my birthday. dan bahkan papa pesan kue ulang tahun padahal aku sudah lebih dari 30 tahun setelah beberapa tahun terakhir not doing so. i was happy but as usual did not have intention to take pictures, tapi akhirnya papa mama minta untuk foto selebrasi sebelum pergi solat eid. one of the last pictures with dad and mom beside me. and i dont have any thought it will be my last birthday with him. papa loved to have celebrations for many big days. more in a way to thankfulness, not in a way to showoff. he usually ordered cake for everyone's birthday. kue blackforest sederhana di toko kue sekitar rumah. but as we grow old, we sometimes were not at home, and he changed it to give nasi kuning boxes to our neighbors.  today is very hard indeed, but we try to continue what my dad usually did and passed on us. he liked when guests were coming home and enjoying foods and meals during eid days. it feels good when people say they still remember him...

  kenapa sih wlgyt harus muncul sekarang. kenapa dramanya harus booming dan lewat di timeline. kenapa story line nya ngga dibuat happy ending aja. kenapa ceritanya ngga berhenti aja waktu gm nikah. kenapa harus dilanjutin. kenapa tayangnya ngga di episode hidup gue lain yang entah kapan. when i said there are some arts that somehow coincidently portrayed so much at certains of my life episode, i never have a thought it will be as much as this. i just cant help myself being brave enough to watch it how much i really want to.  i just cant.

apa alasan yang membuat seseorang nge-stalk? penasaran? atau mungkin iseng aja? why would people deep dive someone's old posts rather than said hi or asked how are you? apakah karena nge-stalk dapat membuatmu terhindar untuk menanyakan sebuah apa kabar? atau cuma untuk latihan scrapping... or just for curiosity but actually not really care..

somehow, it feels good when i find myself can laugh for really a simple thing.. or it is just because of a person effortlessly know how to make other people laugh..

about common names There are some times that I accidentally met people I knew in an occasion. And sometimes ago I coincidentally met someone, a long time colleague and she said like this "Eh, kayanya kenal, yang di sini (tempat kerja lama) bukan. Siapa ya, lupa." I very often need to add something that is attached to me, to remind them aku ayu yang mana. I bet you have met a lot of people named ayu. I had a classmate who was called ayu, even though it was not her first name, and ofc she was so much pretier, smarter, part of super famous gank. My neighbor's kid's name is ayu. My boss sometimes mistakenly sent email which was for another ayu. I even felt that I shared my name with my sister who has only two different alphabets with mine. When a friend made a call years ago with the one and only cable phone, my dad/mom would ask, "ayu yang kelas berapa?" I was thinking that my name is not my own, even for my full name. Later, it feels good when I realize that i...

  There is a fleabag monologue confession scene (i am not finish watched it yet) when she is just so desperetely asking someone to telling her what to do.  Someone is writing beautifully about it here: https://melodisimson.medium.com/just-tell-me-what-to-do-ab0354ce882c It is really heartwrenching and resonates my feeling lately, even it has been months. I am so clueless what i should do and the worst part is i dont know why. I know (and understand) that i always have that holy guidance book. Some of the answers are to be grateful and thankful. I did (or at least i am trying) but why i am still sad?  Many times i wish i know what i should do (or He wants me to do) so i wont face this sadness again and questioning did i make the right decisions. I ask and pray, but i still dont have the answers. I am really tired having all of these heavy feelings. I think i really need to seek help this time. And maybe, i need His help more than anything else.  Please help me, i beg....

  i really miss my dad a lot these days, and it feels so heavy more than i can imagine. someone asked me "how are you" yesterday in a meeting and i do really wish i could say "i, actually, dont feel really good". hi dad, will i be fine someday?

  this is what i am here for

 about civilization This is actually an old draft but weeks ago people talked about post colonialism etc and I had myself visited the indonesia museum (i should congratulate for my-super-mager-self). It somehow triggered my revisit civilizations thoughts.  Since international trade class that discussed about comparative advantages and economies of scale and of course development economics book and human capital discussion in class, i started haing  interest in civilization history, including ownership, colonialism, job creation, labors, wealth, social security that somehow affect how i see the world works and revisit values that i have for decisions that i've made.  Civilization is one of the first thoughts when i got my feet in europe, besides wishes that i will enjoy it with my loved ones someday. I found the cities were so, what i can say, out of mind. The buildings, the detailed scruplture, old bricks and roads and bridges, while it was developed hundred years ag...

  Is it weird that dreams can be something that you subconsciously see when sleeping, but at the other side it can be something that consciously you want to achieve when awake

  when i said there are some arts that somehow coincidently portrayed so much at certains of my life episode, but it always surprised me how they felt so related that i've never imagined for.

  if it will never be me, why are you keep coming? if you do really care, why you left me alone when i need it the most

  i've never felt so desperate with the world as much as today (except when covid). we even only have around 70 years of peaceful and independence era (in most of the countries). i cant understand why people like to burn the bridge, initiating potential wars. was rusia and ukraine not enough bad, how about israel and palestine? do you see how rusia people then invanded bali, make mafia gank. why they dont just stop the wars, make the world become more liveable. financial crisis years ago felt not bad as this. we have unbelievable irrationally running govt now. and the worst is it is not only happened locally, but internationally. if i want to move, other countries seem the same.  dunia kenapa makin ngga jelas, heran

i thought one of the best feelings that i've ever felt is being read, for what i thought, for what i gave attention to, for what i laughed at, for what i like or dislike.  i feel like i am being noticed when something disrupt me, i feel like someone try to read me, while i've never been asked, for what i feel or what i like.  but recently, i feel of being asked. I've never feel like this and somehow it feels really good, even much better. it feels like trying to be understood without prejudice. 

  How is your life? Mine is not looking up the sky these days I do really like seing skies and clouds and stars and moon since a kid, and currently ceilling.  It somehow gives me undescribable feeling of being free.  And i was surprised when there is  someone who always spontaneously say every time the sky is blue among anything else that can be seen or found.   If people say sun flower, for me it is the skies and i found this. “You can always find me where the skies are blue.” 

  someone said to me that grieve is the most selfish thing

  I had my morning walk yesterday and in the middle of it suddenly i fall in the road like a 5 yo kid. Even i've been an adult, it hurts, in the knee. Then i understand why kids are crying when they fall. I used to prefer walking than running because I know that I am really clumsy, I may have sprained ankle, besides I dont know how to regulate my breath and heart rate etc. But, even if I  had my calculated decision and avoid the risk as much as possible, the risk is still there anyway.  I fall, and it hurts. 

i just dont know what i should do As i said, my past weeks were not really good. I still cant sleep sometimes. I suddenly feel lost of directions, I cant find my life reference and I feel all of what i do basically pointless. When i drove after finally decided to take my very first ielts test (in my more than 30 years of life, i will write about this later) weeks ago, I suddenly feel sad althought the sky was really blue after heavy rain suddenly. It was the first time I went back to the place near my dad's hospital. I was just suddenly thinking what should i do with all of this, what is the point of this, i dont know what He want me to do.  I just realized that one of the biggest reason why i had a thought to try studying at netherland is my parents. I really want to invite them when i graduate and take them to the cities that my dad ever visited. I thought maybe the next 3-4 years will be fine, but suddenly it is gone. It feels like i lost myself now, i feel clueless, i just dont...

about feelings   i did not have good sleep these days and wake up at the midnight and  end up crying and praying, but try to look fine in the morning with puffy eyes and headache.  many times, i try to understand about feelings, from books, movies, songs, mvs, poets, stories, anything around me.  but, i still cant understand why He makes it so difficult, why it cant be easier. i mean, i watched marriage story, past life, lalaland (not my kind of favorite, but still), you are the apple of my eyes, or 10 minutes of taylor swift mvs, or read afu 5 stages of grief, or heard divorce stories from a friend. they found it just did not work out. and it is heartwrenching, but at least they have been trying to be together and they were happy. or reply 1998 with jung hwan's hesitation  and memory baik (which i just saw yesterday), when you have all the opportunities but you do hesitate. but then you realize and understand that it is the best for everyone, but you are, just ...

  how does it feel being honest to yourself?  and why does He not make it any easier for me?

  if i write something, what kind of story that you would to read? is there anything that you want to know?

  it's only been 2 first working weeks of 2025, but i feel like beaten with reality.  what a hectic week, 5 days straight, and i dont know whether i will end this week well or not.  i know i should be better, more productive, learning ielts kek, or taking courses but end up potato couching and watching korea drama at the weekend 😭😭😭 ya i know i need to sacrifice tapi tiap compare makin merasa bersalah karena ya emang si hidupku ga ada apa apanya kalau compare dengan kesibukan orang lain, i know i deserve to be roasted, tapi tetep ajaa lelah wkwkkw. mari bismillah, hope to stay sane facing the world

  hi, are you ok?  i know it is hard and heavy and tiring, but thank you for the hard work. go get pukpuk for yourself and take proper rest and some sleep. myself cant face the world if i dont have enough sleep. the work (and world) itself is already hard, and i cant make myself being more cranky. also, treat yourself good food and maybe a hug from your loved ones.  lately, i found a line in a song that i play on repeat. it says like this. Just because I carry it well. Doesn't mean it isn't heavy, and I don't need some help i hope He will always give you some help and directions and clear peacefull mind, and of course health and wellbeing. i always pray He will always take care of you. ps: honestly, i also dont like being adult, tapi bisa apa lagi, wkwk. that's fine, pelan pelan, tidak apa apa