noticeable

 

it has been six months yesterday, but the lost feeling remains the same although i know he is in peace. 

i was back from a (mandatory) business trip and let my mom being alone at home for a couple of days. of course i miss her but she is the strongest and the most rational person, allow me to go and ask me to surrender. i called her every day and thanks to the talking cctv, a worth today technology that i knew from my friend. 

this is maybe one of the heavy thoughts that i want to write to help me cope. it feels really hard to do and if you want and may read this, please save your judgement for yourself.

sometimes i remember, when that emergency day happened and i was be able go home really fast, i was thinking that it would be okay. we arrived at hospital in around 30 minutes, it was still golden time. his lab result was good, i have a thought that everything is under control, but i still lost him. 

i do still thankfull and gratefull that He let me being his side when he's gone. He let me saw him go in peace and i know he is in better place. but still i miss him sometimes. 

and i was wondering will it be worse if it is happened when i go far away, when i need hours flight to go home, when i am in other country. sometimes i still have regrets and questions, did i do my best. i heard and read other people's stories and how they cope. and then i realize, when it is the time, it just happened that way. sometimes you just cant prevent something, if He said happened, it will happen. 

and maybe this is the best for everyone. 

and i hope i will feel better someday

best,

Ayu