coincidences series: dreams (continue) i never think seriously about dream again since the dream i saw in high school. a vivid dream about i was being a surgeon right after i did my istikharah. but turns out i was failed (and years after i am gratefull for it). i start not believe in my dream, including the-lists-of-dreams things. because again, it can be something you regret when you achieve it. and it gives you hurt feelings even more. that is why i wrote something like, punya keinginan, ya ingin aja, tapi ngga terkabul juga ngga papa.  but then i realized that i try to always listen my feelings (eventhough i have some struggles for it of course). i chosed nutrition in five minutes and i chosed econs also in five minutes and almost all the jobs i had that maybe i will share somewhen.  long short story, i am really gratefull that i never regret so far for the weird decision i made.  around 8 years ago.. i've just realized that i start to remember about my dream again aft...

  about add so, i am in sabbatical (and feel so grateful to have very kind bosses that allow me to do so). it has been almost two months so far. and if you wonder what i get from my pause. it is a confirmation diagnosis of my condition. as i said, for the first time in my life, i seek professional help because i dont know what i feel and i think i need a therapy. and i was confirmed that i have attention deficit.  in my 32 years of life. dan as expected, avoidant attachment, with borderline to depression (tapi alhamdulillah ngga papa). dan somehow terefleksi as oldest daughter syndrom. although she said that diagnosis nya belum tegak. and i think i still need second opinion.  do i deny? aku ngga tau. mungkin kaya masih setengah ngga percaya kalau my brain wired differently.  awalnya tiba tiba ada post beberapa bulan lalu  tentang time blindless sebagai salah satu gejala add, it felt so resonate with me. apalagi waktu itu aku lagi di the edge of breakdown. terus ...

  jadi, gimana ceritanya ada yang tau that i plan to be back next month.....

  and as fleabag said “i don't know what to do with it, with all the love i have, i don't know where to put it now” 

  i was wondering when i lost my dad, people came and said how kind my dad is. and i had  strange feelings because i was happy knowing that my dad is really a good person but still it cant make him back.  but, yes, i am really glad to know that he is very kind.  and when i got a condolecense message about the passing of a very good friend, then i was wondering what would the kids think when a lot of people said how kind their mother is. at first, i was mistakenly read the message, i thought it was her husband, but it is her. a really dear friend, a very patience, and sabr, and cheerfull mother. never complain about life. and i was remember she was asking me "kamu ngga papa?" when she knew that my sister was getting married in a very caring tone voice when i was drove her to train station. she is really kind person and i am lucky to know her. i hope and i know she go in peace and heaven is her best place now. and i was really shock but again, life never stops to surpr...

  this is disclaimer, again.  if you want and decide to read, please save your judgement for yourself. because i hope if people have a willingness to read, their reason is to try understand my thoughts and feelings and not to fulfill their curiosity ego. this is my safespace and my kind of creative medium and if you read just to make validation for your judgement or expectation or curiosity about me or whatever, please save your time by not reading it. you can always go to other people's social media status or post or whatever. you dont need to always see my updates if you have those reasons and not to try understand me and my thoughts from any writings that i decide to share and i hope that you respect me enough that i dont owe any explanation to anyone. you still can ask me if you need anything and i will respond as my best as you wish. the coincidence series : dreams atually, i wrote this for celebrating the 10 years after graduation last august just to find months later th...

  and not enough i grieve about my dad, my probably-undiagnosed-divergence, myself being an asshole, and now my broken heart.  and maybe it was true that my intuition is sometimes wrong. maybe it was never you since the first time.  but it was not without reason. i have a lot of reasons. and if one day i found my intuition was true, i make a promise to myself, i will write my story about it.  about an apa kabar message that you have sent after i wrote the apa kabar post.  about i saw you in my dream that you would go so far away to pursue higher degree months ago before you said to me so.  about you who i wish was sejin for mirae, someone who read the post i made, someone who found me in the crowded place.  and about i saw you again in my dream but you were with someone else pretty that again it is true. i dont know why life is so funny lately. and i finally read again my short writings that maybe you would never see. but thank you for coming in my lif...

this is november  and my dad would really like november. he was born in november, the 11th month of a year, on 22 which if you divided by 2 will give you 11, in 1956, and 56 was his favorit number that if you add those two, it will give you 11.  and my phone suddenly give me a reminder that november four years ago was my first time having biztrip abroad that my dad was seen very happy. even though i said to him to not tell anyone, but he still shared it anyway. he would use the tshirt i bought for him at sideway small shop in london and that manchester united gray or arsenal navy hat. he still used them although i wasnt be able to find his favourite club, ac milan.  i know he will be happy if he knows i will go to another country (i know he knows up there) this november for a couple of days. and i do hope it will give me a good experiences like he had that always captured in all of his old pictures.  and i hope i can make his wishes come true someday and i will make ...