mungkin memang benar, hidup pada dasarnya hanyalah sawang sinawang i was quite surprising everytime i know that there is anyone who interest with my life even though i did not make an update on daily basis, i even did not make any update. i feel like, wow i am being remembered... and maybe it is true when they said that your mundane life is maybe something that other people wish for. so, days ago, an old friend of mine asked me what i do for a living because she wants to change career, while many people want to be in her position. and after some messages i suddenly realize that maybe my life is not that bad and i should be more gratefull some people have a good career, beautiful face, but bad spouse, some people have beautiful face, good spouse but financial constraint, other peole have so so life but rich parents, and there will always people who have all of the good things, and that's life. with all the problems in the world, life is unfair, indeed. and everyone has their own rea...

  if i meet you somehow, will i feel that sad again?

  and if i tell you my stories (and all the restlessness), would you listen?

"kamu selalu merasa yang paling benar" (kurang lebih gitulah ya, maafin agak lupa, maybe i should watch the movie again, wkwk) that was deep and that hurts, anyway, even though it was right... ya, meskipun ada yang bilang scene ini kesannya filler, but it is worth the klimaks

  Is it better to have had a good thing and lost it, or never to have had it? i'll choose to have never had it, probably.. i know, sounds like really avoidant me..

about memory aku balik nulis (agak) panjang lagi karena merasa i think i should write again. tadinya aku mau nulis tentang anomali (lagi), tapi belum selesai dan ngga progress, huhu, tapi beberapa hari terakhir lagi ngikutin film sherina yang baru, dan merasa kalau there is no wrong with keep your memories... one day, when i went to a place, someone said "ayo foto, kan belum tentu bisa ke sini lagi". i personally know that so far i dont really like taking picture when go somewhere or meet someone, apalagi bikin post. it is not i dont appreciate them or the moment, gue kadang merasa, apakah ngga cukup untuk menikmatinya, keeping your feeling in memories, but then my phone was broken, and i lost most of everything, pictures, chat history, anything. dan, gue kemudian menyadari kalau gue punya kecenderungan ngga bisa menyimpan banyak memori, dan gue sangat jarang curious untuk hal hal yang ngga menarik menurut gue, dan ditambah attention span gue juga rendah.. jadi, misal habis n...

  And if you passed me on the street Would you look down at your feet

  being adult is really tiring. a time that i realize that i should be always ok and pretend to be ok. and i dont have time to process my feelings because i need to solve the problem and find solution. with all the responsibilities and various roles that i have. and everyone will always feel they are the victim of every one else. and i did my best that i can but i always feel that is not enough, that i should always understand but they never tried understand me that i also have the scars, but again, being adult felt that i am not allowed to be weak and i should not feel like a victim and i am so tired. that i know i have to fix my self but then i dont have time and i doubt that it will solve the problem, because somehow i think it is not me, but them. pms this time feels really hard. but again, for many times, what i can do is just keeping it with myself, like i always do..

  sometimes, i wonder what i really want in life. mungkin menjadi terlalu mediocre (dan terlalu stoic) menghindariku dari meromantisasi hidup dan akhirnya aku menjadi merasa kalau aku tidak ingin apa apa (well, aku ingin sehat dan bahagia of course, dan masuk surga, haha).   maksudku, somehow aku baru menyadari bahwa apa yang mereka inginkan, ternyata tidak aku inginkan, dan aku tidak tau mengapa.  dan lagi, karena itu juga, mungkin aku tidak tahu what should i proud of. tapi aku kemudian gelisah, apakah aku salah. high salaries, branded stuff, fancy vacation, being center of attention, people's approval were never impressed me. It does, indeed, make life so much easier, but i think i am just not interested (mungkin itu kenapa i always disagree with recommendation letter and that kind of stuff). .... will continue this later

  but sometimes i just want you to see my life... only you.. and i wish you will think about me... as i do..

  big days in this year feel different. anniv papa mama (in hijriah) bersamaan dengan ulang tahun cucunya yang ke-3. and i have my 30 also with many things to be grateful for. my parents was getting merried in arafah day, so they will always said there are 2 anniv dates in a year. and on that day this year, bais is turned three. so my parents looked really happy with video call in the morning and mini tumpeng for breakfasting meskipun cucu dan mama papanya lagi sibuk jadi belum mampir. surrounding with much love from closest family is priceless and i cant enough grateful for this. i learned a lot from the way mom and dad raising kids. mom had pregnancy in the late age, two kids in a row. and i was born when my dad was out of the town. and she took care of us while she also had job.   and i've learned life values from them, that help me through my adulting life. and somehow it  guides me reduce problems that potential to be happened as i grow. but, still, i dont know ...

  is loneliness that bad? does it feel really scary?

  i want to write some rants.. but should i or should not i? the first is maybe i should never ever tell what i thought (then what i am doing here if that so) second is how far i want to (or should) have higher salaries, higher position, higher degree, or those kind of things... third is something unimportant but just keep staying in my mind for days.. should i? but why not...

doing your responsibility just make it worse apalagi untuk sistem yang ngga bekerja dengan baik, but you just cant leave it, even if you are just doing your part, you will be blamed by everyone else just because you are the only one who is showing up but anyone else's not.  and yes having your high degree or position or so much money do not always mean you have a good planning, system, and implemenation, and the most important part a humbly feelings, to realize that you might be wrong, that you need help, some advice.. ps: it is not about work related things.. just a chapter in life

  i am in the situation that i know something about someone and i know she has a problem but i think she does not know that i know and i feel really guilty about this because somehow i feel like i am really not a good friend.  i am, really, not a good friend.  and i dont know what to do. last time i met her was march last year, and i was thought she was very ok. good career with a kid. i know she was doing fine because she usually randomly asked for a meeting when she was in town, and i usually will meet her if i did not have any  schedule. but, many times, i was missing opportunity to meet her.  but she still remembered and congratulated me for my last birthday. then i was hanging out with other friends and we had video call with her. she seemed fine. she is on the way getting her master degree. then i want to know how she is. i do hope she's doing fine. i know she has instagram, but i dont have instagram, and i searched her name on google page. i found her pro...

  people talk about westminster abbey, so let me drop a pict ps: my phone was broken and i lost everything and i need a back up here

  manage your expectation and anyone else is hard... if it is not a problem for me, tapi belum tentu orang lain juga begitu. terbiasa dan membiasakan diri dengan situasi yang tidak sesuai rencana dan merasa tidak apa apa.. dan karenanya akhirnya menyadari mengapa Allah memerintahkan untuk menjaga silaturahmi, karena itu tidak mudah.. semakin dewasa, aku sendiri merasa tidak apa misalnya sedikit terlambat atau tersasar atau macet di jalan atau sedikit panas atau batal bertemu atau orang yang ingin ditemui tidak pernah menjawab pesan.... setidaknya sudah berusaha, tapi mungkin waktunya belum tepat. kalau tidak diizinkan Tuhan ya tidak apa apa...

 Tentang survivorship bias After my first job, i feel lonely most of the time in my education and career journey. And being introvert person just make it worse.  I moved from nutrition to econ with fears whether i made a right decision because i got so many rejections and degrading questions back then. Thank God my parents were really supportive, but still I felt so clueless with everything.  It turned out obtaining hard skills from two years of career pause for an education was really something. It really saves me from a thought that i dont have options. This feeling is somehow really good. And because i know how hard it is and how happy i feel after a lot of fears, then some parts of me want to share it. I thought that maybe there is someone out there who has the same problems and my experience would help.  I was bubbling how tech and learning coding (padahal cuma stata wkwk) save me. Also, how right my decisions was. But then, i suddenly realize that it became my ...

  but small parts of me still questioning does my existance really matter even it is a bit...

  sometimes I feel so guilty for being so permissive. a time when I say "that's ok" a lot to myself for decision that i made, for mistakes that i did, for something that i should do but not... i don't know how but somehow it helps.  a feeling of helpless makes me feel that everything happened as He will but in the same time He also wont leave me, and then i feel a little bit relieved... Did He not find you unguided then guided you? And did He not find you needy then satisfied your needs?