being adult is really tiring. a time that i realize that i should be always ok and pretend to be ok. and i dont have time to process my feelings because i need to solve the problem and find solution. with all the responsibilities and various roles that i have. and everyone will always feel they are the victim of every one else. and i did my best that i can but i always feel that is not enough, that i should always understand but they never tried understand me that i also have the scars, but again, being adult felt that i am not allowed to be weak and i should not feel like a victim and i am so tired. that i know i have to fix my self but then i dont have time and i doubt that it will solve the problem, because somehow i think it is not me, but them. pms this time feels really hard. but again, for many times, what i can do is just keeping it with myself, like i always do..

  sometimes, i wonder what i really want in life. mungkin menjadi terlalu mediocre (dan terlalu stoic) menghindariku dari meromantisasi hidup dan akhirnya aku menjadi merasa kalau aku tidak ingin apa apa (well, aku ingin sehat dan bahagia of course, dan masuk surga, haha).   maksudku, somehow aku baru menyadari bahwa apa yang mereka inginkan, ternyata tidak aku inginkan, dan aku tidak tau mengapa.  dan lagi, karena itu juga, mungkin aku tidak tahu what should i proud of. tapi aku kemudian gelisah, apakah aku salah. high salaries, branded stuff, fancy vacation, being center of attention, people's approval were never impressed me. It does, indeed, make life so much easier, but i think i am just not interested (mungkin itu kenapa i always disagree with recommendation letter and that kind of stuff). .... will continue this later

  but sometimes i just want you to see my life... only you.. and i wish you will think about me... as i do..