sometimes i wonder, what would my dad say in this time of crisis, since he was going through a lot of crisis before...

  never in my life plan (although i dont have any actually) that i would ask to quit a day before my-10-years after graduation. and suddenly without notice, the next day became another indonesia may-soon-to-be revolution. but being a part of the history is really a thing. i grow up by reading many books about good vs evil, harry potter, narnia, lotr, hunger games and watch the film. and somehow i feel, today situation is kind of hunger games, when all those bad people with power are untouchable. but as much as i sometimes hate indonesia, i hope this country will have a better future. but why it feel this country is getting worse day by day. there are more than 270 million people here and why cant we have a good running government, a bare minimum at least. although i hate drama and violance, but i cant silence for injustice. and i hope He let me to always stand for the right side. sometimes i wonder, if i speak up about injustice too much, will it affect my opportunities in getting ...

  tomorrow is august, 28th.  and it should be 10 years after graduation and i was planning to write some reflections.  rather than finally have my bravery to talk that i want to quit this morning. these past three weeks has been one of the lowest phases in my life. it was no one's fault. it is me, the problem is me. and before it will be going to get worse, i need to talk, therefore they have better risk  mitigation.  i said i cried a lot this days when i am alone, sometimes in front of my mom and she never gave me a judgement. then my sister came and i talked to her finally as someone who i know i can talk to no matter what. and i was saying that lately, i even questioning why i am even doing this.  i've been trying so hard, but maybe not hard enough.  but then as far as i remember, every time i decide to quit, my dad never asked me why. he never demand the reason why and it is really relieving. why i stop learn bicycle, why my sister change her major...

  i was recently thinking why would i write, and the more important question, why would someone read my random writings.  i mean i have a really mundane life, that i assume no one wants to know. i rarely think about achievement and i dont think anyone would be interested. i have so many random thoughts but they were only my opinions, i bet they wont give you some trivia moments.  i dont find my life is that interested to make someone wants to know. and i rarely share it anyway because i somehow believe if they do really care, they will come anyway.  then why should i write besides i just want to throw my random thoughts?

  my weakest strength which very strongly explain the reason/evidence why  1. the 100 mimpi lists, to do lists or that kind of things never worked for me 2. i always feel everything was because His bless/luck/coincidence 3. i sometimes attract people who i feel they see me as a broken part that need to be fixed which maybe it is true. oh and i cant multitask

  kayanya kalau ada magic skill yang gue harap semua orang punya, itu adalah reading people's mind.  imagine how many life and time and energy will be saved.

  i dont know how i should face the grief properly. i am trying, really hard.  i try to be seen strong for my mom and my sister and people beside me, but i still cry deeply sometimes when i am alone. and the worst part is i dont know why i am sad but the tears just keep coming. and it feels really hurts.  when i read a debate about sore, i just wondering that someone who never going through a massive grieving in their life maybe could not relate with those spiralling never ending ifs. it is not merely about fix someone, it would be fix the situation, decision, anything that you could do differently that will give you more time to be with someone you lost. i know all the theories and things that i should do. and i dont need judgement because i am trying really hard for it. but i dont know what i actually need to help me cope.  i wish and hope i will be better and my dad will be happy seing me grow. kamu mungkin tidak akan hadir to help me feel a little bit better tapi...