about eid mubarok last eid was very near my birthday. dan bahkan papa pesan kue ulang tahun padahal aku sudah lebih dari 30 tahun setelah beberapa tahun terakhir not doing so. i was happy but as usual did not have intention to take pictures, tapi akhirnya papa mama minta untuk foto selebrasi sebelum pergi solat eid. one of the last pictures with dad and mom beside me. and i dont have any thought it will be my last birthday with him. papa loved to have celebrations for many big days. more in a way to thankfulness, not in a way to showoff. he usually ordered cake for everyone's birthday. kue blackforest sederhana di toko kue sekitar rumah. but as we grow old, we sometimes were not at home, and he changed it to give nasi kuning boxes to our neighbors.  today is very hard indeed, but we try to continue what my dad usually did and passed on us. he liked when guests were coming home and enjoying foods and meals during eid days. it feels good when people say they still remember him...

  kenapa sih wlgyt harus muncul sekarang. kenapa dramanya harus booming dan lewat di timeline. kenapa story line nya ngga dibuat happy ending aja. kenapa ceritanya ngga berhenti aja waktu gm nikah. kenapa harus dilanjutin. kenapa tayangnya ngga di episode hidup gue lain yang entah kapan. when i said there are some arts that somehow coincidently portrayed so much at certains of my life episode, i never have a thought it will be as much as this. i just cant help myself being brave enough to watch it how much i really want to.  i just cant.

apa alasan yang membuat seseorang nge-stalk? penasaran? atau mungkin iseng aja? why would people deep dive someone's old posts rather than said hi or asked how are you? apakah karena nge-stalk dapat membuatmu terhindar untuk menanyakan sebuah apa kabar? atau cuma untuk latihan scrapping... or just for curiosity but actually not really care..

somehow, it feels good when i find myself can laugh for really a simple thing.. or it is just because of a person effortlessly know how to make other people laugh..

about common names There are some times that I accidentally met people I knew in an occasion. And sometimes ago I coincidentally met someone, a long time colleague and she said like this "Eh, kayanya kenal, yang di sini (tempat kerja lama) bukan. Siapa ya, lupa." I very often need to add something that is attached to me, to remind them aku ayu yang mana. I bet you have met a lot of people named ayu. I had a classmate who was called ayu, even though it was not her first name, and ofc she was so much pretier, smarter, part of super famous gank. My neighbor's kid's name is ayu. My boss sometimes mistakenly sent email which was for another ayu. I even felt that I shared my name with my sister who has only two different alphabets with mine. When a friend made a call years ago with the one and only cable phone, my dad/mom would ask, "ayu yang kelas berapa?" I was thinking that my name is not my own, even for my full name. Later, it feels good when I realize that i...

  There is a fleabag monologue confession scene (i am not finish watched it yet) when she is just so desperetely asking someone to telling her what to do.  Someone is writing beautifully about it here: https://melodisimson.medium.com/just-tell-me-what-to-do-ab0354ce882c It is really heartwrenching and resonates my feeling lately, even it has been months. I am so clueless what i should do and the worst part is i dont know why. I know (and understand) that i always have that holy guidance book. Some of the answers are to be grateful and thankful. I did (or at least i am trying) but why i am still sad?  Many times i wish i know what i should do (or He wants me to do) so i wont face this sadness again and questioning did i make the right decisions. I ask and pray, but i still dont have the answers. I am really tired having all of these heavy feelings. I think i really need to seek help this time. And maybe, i need His help more than anything else.  Please help me, i beg....

  i really miss my dad a lot these days, and it feels so heavy more than i can imagine. someone asked me "how are you" yesterday in a meeting and i do really wish i could say "i, actually, dont feel really good". hi dad, will i be fine someday?

  this is what i am here for

 about civilization This is actually an old draft but weeks ago people talked about post colonialism etc and I had myself visited the indonesia museum (i should congratulate for my-super-mager-self). It somehow triggered my revisit civilizations thoughts.  Since international trade class that discussed about comparative advantages and economies of scale and of course development economics book and human capital discussion in class, i started haing  interest in civilization history, including ownership, colonialism, job creation, labors, wealth, social security that somehow affect how i see the world works and revisit values that i have for decisions that i've made.  Civilization is one of the first thoughts when i got my feet in europe, besides wishes that i will enjoy it with my loved ones someday. I found the cities were so, what i can say, out of mind. The buildings, the detailed scruplture, old bricks and roads and bridges, while it was developed hundred years ag...

  Is it weird that dreams can be something that you subconsciously see when sleeping, but at the other side it can be something that consciously you want to achieve when awake

  when i said there are some arts that somehow coincidently portrayed so much at certains of my life episode, but it always surprised me how they felt so related that i've never imagined for.

  if it will never be me, why are you keep coming? if you do really care, why you left me alone when i need it the most