noticeable

 

this is disclaimer, again. 

if you want and decide to read, please save your judgement for yourself. because i hope if people have a willingness to read, their reason is to try understand my thoughts and feelings and not to fulfill their curiosity ego. this is my safespace and my kind of creative medium and if you read just to make validation for your judgement or expectation or curiosity about me or whatever, please save your time by not reading it. you can always go to other people's social media status or post or whatever. you dont need to always see my updates if you have those reasons and not to try understand me and my thoughts from any writings that i decide to share and i hope that you respect me enough that i dont owe any explanation to anyone. you still can ask me if you need anything and i will respond as my best as you wish.

the coincidence series : dreams

atually, i wrote this for celebrating the 10 years after graduation last august just to find months later that life can be so unpredictable. it is a half done. 

i was wondering why they call it dreams for both something you want to pursue when you awake and something you may see in your sleep. 

but i have strange situations with dream somehow. 

20 years ago

i dont have like kind of a dream that i really want to pursue since i was a kid. a real dreams that i want to really work hard to get them, except in final year of high school which was failed. when i graduated from the rural-elementary-school, i felt like i dont have any interest and potential and anything. i cant do the sports, dancing, singing, musics, arts, and i was never been chosen in my whole entire elementary-school-life. 

until i went to a junior high school and met this person. that summa cumlaude at mit guy. he really helped me going through my teenage life (indirectly), made me know there are something more outside school that can be interesting. that i dont need to be excel in every aspect (although i think he was really excel in everything). i just can be a nerd who reading books, or blogwalkings, or writings, or doing maths. 

i know and understand he never had the intention to do so. we just somehow had many cross paths (well not that many) just because of the situations and coincidences (thanks to my math teacher even though i dissapointed her a lot). despite him being popular, he was the first person who called me on the old wired phone, the first one who shake my hand congratulating me on my birthday in school, someone who always greet me whenever me meet and remembered where my home and who my sister is, and he was the one who i visited his blog every day and his friendster profile with that vindicated song and waited every night that maybe i would coincidently saw him with that yellow jacket passing my home when i was stargazing and locking the house gate. and he was the one who introduced me with a big dream that he wrote in his blog, getting summa cumlaude at mit, and that popular video about 100 list of dreams when we were in kind of in high school (just to get frustated later questioning why it never worked with me and turns out because of my brain).

when in high school, for the first time, i really work hard to get what i want. i move what i want from having math at ntu to being a doctor. i had a vivid dream that i was being a surgeon intern in the operating room and mom said she also had the same kind of dream that she saw me as doctor in kind of consulation room. but it just never happen. i hate the 2:216 at that time and i read the book that i borrowed from a bestfriend that said: Terkadang kita ditakdirkan untuk tidak menginginkan apa pun yang kita minta setelah kita mendapatkannya" (The Akhenaten Adventure).

10 years ago

and it was the graduation day ten years ago that being the last time i met him. he was standing in front of the hall gate with his camera and greeted everyone he knew and he still remembered me and smiled at me. 

it was him that i met a decade before the graduation day who help me understand myself.  a high school friend who i thought i had a crush on him for years. 

but the strange thing is i was never sad when he was with someone else. i remember when i was in high school, some friends said they were sad when their crush liked someone else, but it was just never happened with me. 

and then, i saw him getting married no longer after graduation (we were not that close and i was not be invited). that time was the age when i had my kind of depressed days with my career, dream, lifes and etc. 

i had perfect plan for my future self when i was in college but it just not happening yet (or happened with other scenario from what i dreamed of). i remembered i talked to a college friend that i want to work in development ministry and she wanted to work in local govt (and i am really happy that she made it after some trying, i am not or yes sort of). and then two years after working, i would continuing masters in netherland and finding someone and getting married at 28. but of course, life sometimes did not go as planned.

i had my first job 3 months after graduation, it was one of the best and oldest nutrition research centre in the country. i met my favorite senior boss that made me realized that i like the macro-secondary-population kind of studies instead of primary-micro-intervention kind of studies. the cpns things was freezed at that time but i was still having the dream. and suddenly, around two months later, i found the job opening there and  i've got the interview. 

but i didnt make it, and ive got one of the lowest phase in my life that makes me wondering why He made me falling for someone or wanting something that was will never be for me. 

but years after the last time i met him, i realized that i actually did not have that feeling because i actually can be sad and cry a lot for a thought that someone who i was falling for did not choose me. maybe the previous one was kind of celebrity crush feeling but the person was someone i know in real life.

and now i think that decade was to make me understand that i may not get what i want in life.

-to be continued-