noticeable

 

about add

so, i am in sabbatical (and feel so grateful to have very kind bosses that allow me to do so). it has been almost two months so far. and if you wonder what i get from my pause.

it is a confirmation diagnosis of my condition.

as i said, for the first time in my life, i seek professional help because i dont know what i feel and i think i need a therapy.

and i was confirmed that i have attention deficit. 

in my 32 years of life.

dan as expected, avoidant attachment, with borderline to depression (tapi alhamdulillah ngga papa). dan somehow terefleksi as oldest daughter syndrom. although she said that diagnosis nya belum tegak. and i think i still need second opinion. 

do i deny? aku ngga tau. mungkin kaya masih setengah ngga percaya kalau my brain wired differently. 

awalnya tiba tiba ada post beberapa bulan lalu  tentang time blindless sebagai salah satu gejala add, it felt so resonate with me. apalagi waktu itu aku lagi di the edge of breakdown. terus aku baca beberapa article dan coba beberapa free assessment. dan hasilnya 70-80% potensi add. terus aku ketemu adik aku and she shared her experience juga. aku kira kaya ya udah aku bisa belajar manage waktu dan fokus, it wasnt that serious. 

tapi kemudian aku breakdown. i couldnt finish anything, i had task paralysis and really low self esteem. that was one of the worst period in my life. dan akhirnya i feel that i really need a help. 

i told my therapist what i felt and what i experienced helplessly and like the fleabag monolog scene, i ended it by asking "aku ngga tau aku kenapa dan aku harus apa" (well fleabag actually said kind of "i wish someone tell me what to do").

and she said that aku mungkin punya undiagnosed adhd (meskipun aku ngga pernah bilang kalau aku curiga aku punya add) yang juga bersamaan dengan griefing, but to confirm, i need to going through some assessment. 

dan ya, it is confirmed. 

and i feel that all i have been going through is make sense now. 

somehow i am really grateful that i have my writings. when i reread some of my old posts from almost 8 years ago (sayangnya i lost my older writing in my highschool and college era), i suddenly realized that the clues were there since a long time ago. it was always be there but i just didnt realize. about how i cant focus, how i observe anything, how i feel about unfairness and injustice, how i struggled with relationships and emotions, how i connect the informations that i had, how i always feel awkward and not fit in in the society and how hard i tried to mask.

i didnt pretend anything and it was real.

being diagnosed later in life feels like answering the unanswered quetions. terus kemarin kan beres beres berkas lama, terus kaya, well i should thank to Allah and to my self. 

sejak dulu aku sering merasa aku aneh dan berbeda (and i felt really sad for that) dan sulit untuk fit in. untungnya aku ngga pernah di-bully. tapi aku ngga membantah kalau aku lumayan sangat struggle menavigasi hidup mostly karena semua saran atau guidance atau whatever never workes with me.  

my mother always said to me that i learned to read by myself when i was 3. aku ngga pernah diajarin baca buku. i've got a quite good iq score, not genius, but not that low. aku ngga yang berprestasi banget but i was an easy child yang bisa apa apa sendiri. then suddenly i realized being above normal is still not normal.

aku masih working on it sampai sekarang. dan as i always said, aku mohon doakan aku. 

mungkin aku akan share juga my opinion dan my view about this experience kapan kapan.

but again, aku mohon doakan aku semoga aku bisa menavigasi hidup dengan lebih baik.

best,

Ayu

just confirmed as not typical