noticeable

 

i sometimes wonder, if i write vurnerably apakah itu kind of share the aib. but then, this is one of the way to help me cope, help me think rationally, help me understand what i really feel.

i face some problems in life of course, but it doesnt mean that people around me were bad persons nor negate that i dont have the rights to feel uncomfortable. 

it is what it is.

i finally facing myself that i cant always fly. then i decide to start asking for help, i seek a professional help. and she kind of said that i definitely need a help. she offered me to go to psychiatrist, but i think i want to try work on myself. 

it is hard. accept the situation itself is already hard, but pretend over and over again that i am okay and strong all the time is also hard. and being previously high functioning adult makes it more harder. 

i am lucky enough i guess to acknowledge the problem before it is too late, before i find myself really depressed or i face motherhood or i am in a really alone situation. and i grateful and thankful for all the privileges.

the last time i feel this kind of really uncomfortable feeling was in my 23. i didnt seek a help, i flew, and i guess i was not processing it right. just to face the more less same patterns 9 years later in my 32. i think it is not as extreme as i felt when i was 23, but it is big enough to give me task paralysis, executive dysfunction, extremely emotional dysregulation, really low self esteem.  you may not see it or believe it but it is real. the symptoms are real.

and i know that i am not alone facing the problem. people shares the stories, their journey, their thoughts. and i hope people will not judge me for whatever i write here.