noticeable

 

i am sometimes always surprised when He makes me find something or someone that so relatable and helps me for the situations or problems that i face in life. 

and now it was the two and half hour of emma's interview in jay's podcast. and it made me write a reflection post in my twitter, and being vurnerable to say, i currently actually have a lot of messy thoughts. 

i was saying that watching her during the interview is like seeing myself in some last hard conversations that i had last week. the wandering gazes during the conversation, and the breaking voice before cries and tears, and that obvious doubt feeling to explain that you simply dont have any bad intention for anyone in any of your decision. and finally have a courage for being vurnerable to feel and be seen so desperate to be understood without judgement and expectations by people around you.

and the opening quote really hits me hard.

"you now have a career and life that like a dream"

i've been so scared that am i not grateful enough, or do i waste my privilege, and all those guilty feelings long before people questioning my decision. and the quote ended up with a questions.

"but are you really happy" 

which then makes me realized that i've never asked that questions to myself. then i suddenly remember there is actually someone who always asks me that question in some of my lowest days in my life. 

it is so hard for me to talk honestly for what i feel without a fear that they may judge me for whatever i may say. a fear to be judged you dont pray enough, or you should more grateful, or you need try harder. while in reality i had all of those guilty feelings and scares and self blaming for really a long time. am i not a good servant, a good daughter, a good workmate, a good friend, a good person they always expect and wish me to be?

am i wrong if i try navigate life in a way that possibly will dissapoint some persons. with some various arts and life experiences and some therapies and any other non traditional sources besides some prayers, quran, ceramah, kajian, or  whatever they thought i must do. 

maybe like the interview, i hope and wish people will respect my journey and how i process this turbulances in my life. to understand me that i am not always in good conditions and not always can fulfill their needs or wishes. and i hope they will see me as me, not on how many works i have done or how much my good deeds or how obedient i am. and accept me in my good and bad situations. 

and i hope you too.

best,

Ayu