noticeable

 

about rejection 

i've said that it is not rejection that i fear the most. but then i realized that i choose the rejection in my entire life that i think i may be able to handle. job rejection, scholarship rejection, fellowship rejection. if i may say, i am quite good to overcome that kind of rejection. 

i think it was because a thought that i was rejected for my skill or abilities or achievement but i do not feel being rejected for me as a person.  

and maybe that is reason why i dont have any gank in school. i think i avoid to feel rejected or to be left, which then makes me choose and try to not  being part of a gank as an unconsious defense mechanism. and i really thankfull enough that i have something else to busy with.  i choose the situation that i have more control and i avoid attachment that makes me feel i possibly have less control to not feel rejected.

and i've just realized that i face really hard struggles when i feel rejected as a person, especially in offline setting when i can sense those things. that is why i tend to be a kind of lonewolf. i still remember the rejection feeling just because i was there, simply i was just eating and existing. or the time i was just asking a simple things. 

but there are some people that i know they accept me as me. that i dont feel any sense of rejections for what i look or what i thoughts. and i lucky enough to unexpectedly met some persons in my later life that finally makes me not scared for being a part of a gank as me and i am really grateful for it.

that is why i tend to separate my job or any achievement with me, as a person. so everytime i feel bad about my performance, i still have me, i still have myself.

but then, it is getting hard when i start to feel i am not enough as a person in a family, or in religous settings. 

i wrote that sometimes i feel i am being deviate from being a good hamba. and i have long thoughts about this in my entire life. and none critized me more than i judged myself.

when all the preaches makes me feel that they all have the rights to reject me, that i dont deserve rewards or kindness or heaven just because i work outside home or i havent married yet or i travel alone or i have a thought that my not moslem friends dont need to convert and they dont deserve hell. 

when i feel not sholeh enough or good enough or devout enough, that may not fulfill their expectation.

that kind of rejections felt so unbearable.

and it feels havier because my dad never makes me feel so.  he never mad at me to not wear hijab eventhough the preachers say it will add the dosa for him or not married yet or travel anywhere or work in the office setting that needs me to have interactions with many people. he never ask what is my plan for next month, for next year, for next five years. sometimes he ask me what i want to do today, but he never makes me feel being judged for everything i want to do. i get his permission to do anything and he does not makes me feel as a cause of fitnah or punishment.

he never makes me feel as a burden for being existing as myself. he never demand explanation and he knows i will tell him everything when i am ready. and he never push me and respect me if i choose not to. and he never ask me to feel what other people think i should feel. he never tell me that i should be more grateful or pray more often or try harder or be brave or to go taaruf or even read quran or that kind of things. 

he simply accept me, as me, as human being with all my flaws and my messy thoughts. 

he just let me, but i know i will always can find him and he will always be there. and i never feel being rejected and being less human around him and it feels relieving..

and all of these rsd feelings are severely impact me not only on my self esteem but also on connection with my faith and religion. and sometimes it feels like unfinished cycles. and that is why i hope people will respect my journey and how i face the turbulance in my life, without expectations and without judgement. 

very best but hoping for your sincere prayers,

Ayu