noticeable

tentang closure

jadi, kmrn psikolog aku bilang kalau aku harus punya closure. karena katanya, kalau ngga, aku jadi ngga memberi kesempatan diriku membuka orang baru untuk masuk. i know she was right, apalagi dengan semua hiperfixation ini, tapi pikiran ego aku seperti biasa mengatakan buat apa.

one thing is of course aku ngga mau jadi asshole.

buat apa mengatakan semua harapan yang tanpa sadar aku punya. buat apa menanyakan was my intuition right, that it was you. buat apa memberikan hadiah yang sudah bertahun tahun aku simpan. 

buat apa. 

aku kira aku udah proses closure dengan semua tulisan tulisan yang kubuat sebelumnya. dengan 500 words essay that i never sent. dengan semua logika yang aku paksakan bahwa semua keputusanku masuk akal. dengan semua kesempatan yang pernah ada.

setelah bertahun tahun, aku kira aku sudah overcome the feeling meskipun akhirnya aku sadar kalau aku selalu ada di state ini selama ini. 

https://x.com/2lastvibes/status/1998573382665908404?s=20

pertanyaan yang ngga pernah aku bisa jawab, hingga i met you in the dream that day. and i realized that i still have that butterfly feeling, just to feel it for real some months later. semua mungkin terdengar ngga masuk akal dan sulit dipercaya. 

a year ago. exactly, after so many years. 

the feeling to be remembered and found in a crowd of people with the waving hands and wide smile. all the afternoon walk and the sudden shared laugh that only we both knew. 

just to say you would go in a month. and i spent a whole month just to think helplessly should i make a confession

and i know the day will come. the day you said you choose someone else. i just know it. but it was the day when i was in my lowest and finally said that i really need to take a real rest.  it was not really an easy day, just to help me prepare.

aku kira aku ngga papa, aku ngga sering nangis. 

tapi ternyata ngga. 

ternyata, ngga. ternyata, aku sedih, atau mungkin marah(?)

why would you come again in my life if you just want to leave me again when i actually really need a grip. kenapa. 

and that thougths makes me feel like i am a bad person even more. i know it wasnt your fault. it was my fault. i know i am an asshole. and it makes me hate myself more 

and i  really  hope that i can find and share my happines someday without any thoughts about you anymore, ever.