noticeable

i just dont know what i should do

As i said, my past weeks were not really good. I still cant sleep sometimes. I suddenly feel lost of directions, I cant find my life reference and I feel all of what i do basically pointless.

When i drove after finally decided to take my very first ielts test (in my more than 30 years of life, i will write about this later) weeks ago, I suddenly feel sad althought the sky was really blue after heavy rain suddenly. It was the first time I went back to the place near my dad's hospital. I was just suddenly thinking what should i do with all of this, what is the point of this, i dont know what He want me to do. 

I just realized that one of the biggest reason why i had a thought to try studying at netherland is my parents. I really want to invite them when i graduate and take them to the cities that my dad ever visited. I thought maybe the next 3-4 years will be fine, but suddenly it is gone. It feels like i lost myself now, i feel clueless, i just dont know what to do and what i really want to do and what He wants me to do.

With all i felt, i think i couldnt face direct rejection (altough i know i may lost the opportunity). i just think i dont have enough capacity to have any additional heartbroken feelings again these days. And i decided to just let it as it is.

I am really trying my best to functioning well with everything, for my family, workmates, friends. I need to get things done and i really understand that i need to keep fair with my life but i just dont feel good, sometimes. 

Maybe as He said, bersama kesulitan ada kemudahan. And i find myself surrounded by people who makes me laugh and i laugh at myself  a lot. I am really grateful for that, and it make my heart lighter, somehow. I think it has been so long i have laughs as much as last week.

I am still clueless of course. And still questioning what i wrote previous day, why i feel sad because my brain tell me i should not feel it, but i just read tiny wisdom mail, it said this.

The eternal battle between heart and mind isn't really a battle at all. It's more like a dance - sometimes graceful, sometimes awkward, but always necessary.
- tiny wisdom -

Best,

Ayu