noticeable

 

about being not typical

not in my 32 that i suddenly realized a pattern throughout my lifetime which then lead me finding an answer why it happened. 

i was frequently in low conditions for the last 10 months but i never thought that i will face the hard truth. 

it was unconsiously triggered by the lost feeling that i was never thought it affect me emotionally that much. i cant function really well and burn out and all the things happened lately easily triggered the traumas which suddenly appeared in the surface. and i realized the pattern that sometimes appeared in some years of my life and i am scared that it will be getting worse. it was the reason why i said i want to quit somedays ago. 

i then realized that there is something inside me unresolved for really a long time. 

actually it turns out my brain wired differently for all this time. and i think the probability is 70-80% true, because all i have been going through are make sense now.

why  intuitive is my first strength and goal getter was my lowest, why i've got intj, and has avoidant attachment, why i am frequently bloating, and cant ride a bike, and easily distracted, and forget many things, and always broke my promises, and cant describe what i feel, and cant keep relationship, and need a lot of me time, and always procastinate but do a lot of things and always tired, and frequent emotionally exhausted, and have limited energy, and feel different from other people, and many other things that faced throughout my whole lifetime.

at first i am denial, aku lumayan function, i was not the best, but i graduate, i do the job, i make some connections, i am kind of a normal person

but the list keep checked more and more, and i was quite shock but it just make sense now.

my neuron (with high probability) is not typical. 

i honestly dont know what to do with this condition, beside coping and keep functioning as an adult.

but maybe what i need is a lot of prayers beside start some treatment. kumohon doakan aku. 

from your probably not typical person,

Ayu