noticeable

 

about finding yourself

if there is a theme for this week, maybe it would be something about to not lost yourself. 

after i saw a short video about an ending of a drama, i finally decided to watch the whole episodes this week. 

then i watched unwritten seoul. ambil waktu tipis2 while in the middle of a bunch things to do (and took a whole saturday to watch 6 episodes in a row). the most reason awalnya karena gue lagi banyak wondering tentang writings. i will tell you about this other time.

but it was one of best decision. the drama is really really good, and become my top 3 favorites so far. 

and again i was amazed how some arts portrayed some of my life that much in my life episodes. because this is my first life with the gary becker quotes, or when life give your tangerine (aku masih belum sanggup nonton) appeared suddenly after i lost my dad, and many other things, and now this. 

as i posted before, there is a scene in unwritten seoul that made me realized that everyone has their own "if" for something that happened in the past. i have so many, but the most triggering for me now is: if i sent my dad to other hospital would he still be here. i know and understand it is what it is, but sometimes the triggers just suddenly appear without notice that made me questioning those never ending ifs again. i know they said to be la tahzan, to not be sad, but i feel it is good for me when i be able to recognize the feeling and give my best to decide what to do and deal with it rather than i never knew that i was actually sad. 

it was mirae who at some point i could relate in so many ways. she had a sister with similar name, couldnt ride a bike, failed the cpns test many times, and she even studied economics (haha ngga deng bercanda wkwk). 

it is what she said during the stargazing scene at the hill that hits me hard: "i would've just been like one of those many stars. because i'm so ordinary." and it was exactly the reason why i picked the name for my twitter account so many years ago. 

and it was not stop there. the story made her want to write a blog while doing farming. a blog. with so many other things that people can do, why they made her want something that i always want to do after i had my burnout: make a currated website while also doing other thing i like, recycle projects for examples.

and a few days ago, suddenly a friend of mine shared her struggling after some job and scholarship rejections. and another coincidence, tiny wisdom sent a really good piece that was so relate with what i watched and heard. you’re still you when everything changes. 

then i realize an ability to keep find yourself without any thing that attach on you is somehow beautiful. 

but now i wonder how does it feel if someone out there also found me. both in terms read my writings and also recognize me in the crowd of people at the big city even after many years. 

read me, found me, recognized me, and always be back.

i think i've ever felt that strange feeling, but maybe i am too scared how if it was only in my mind.

vbest,

Ayu

sometimes lost and found