noticeable

about feelings

 

i did not have good sleep these days and wake up at the midnight and  end up crying and praying, but try to look fine in the morning with puffy eyes and headache. 

many times, i try to understand about feelings, from books, movies, songs, mvs, poets, stories, anything around me. 

but, i still cant understand why He makes it so difficult, why it cant be easier.

i mean, i watched marriage story, past life, lalaland (not my kind of favorite, but still), you are the apple of my eyes, or 10 minutes of taylor swift mvs, or read afu 5 stages of grief, or heard divorce stories from a friend. they found it just did not work out. and it is heartwrenching, but at least they have been trying to be together and they were happy.

or reply 1998 with jung hwan's hesitation  and memory baik (which i just saw yesterday), when you have all the opportunities but you do hesitate. but then you realize and understand that it is the best for everyone, but you are, just sad. 

is it weird that you may feel both happy and sad at the same time and relieve and scared? you feel all at once. and you find it is really hard to indentify and understand what you feel. they said that you should be honest with yourself but i just dont know how, i think it is beyond my mental capacity to feel all of this.

sometimes, i know i should be happy (and i am really happy, hamdallah) that my dad is in better place with peace and he is no longer in pain but at the same time i am really sad that i cant see him again and cant celebrate any big days together and i cant get any support from him when i need the most. 

or one old day when i felt i was really a bad person because i was scared that i couldnt be happy if someone who i liked being with someone else but at the same time i should be happy as a friend. 

shouldnt it be simple and not as complicated as this?

somehow, i just hate when i cant control what i feel. when i thought i am okay after all this time, but it turns out it is not, and i just cant find any reason to be sad. i thought i shouldnt be sad. or i am just deny it, but what i am deny for? maybe i am just scared.

again, i hope He will always give the best and i will be able to understand. katanya, hidup tetap harus terus berjalan kan.