noticeable

about being a part of someone else's life

i actually made this draft days ago, but i think it is worth to be an end year writing.

i was writing last year, questioning will i be better, but i dont think i need to go through those sadness to be a better person. i mean, i dont feel i am better one now, i feel i am still the same person. but, i've just realized that although i thought everything is undercontrol (or vice versa), if He said happened, it will happen. maybe i feel more berserah to Him, meskipun aku ngerasa selama ini juga sudah terlalu pasrah, haha. 

i have been trying to appreciate moments and opportunities esp. with my parents since covid when my dad was hospitalized almost four years ago. the first time he was hospitalized in my life and the first time we knew that he had high blood glucose. his doctor (with Allah permission) saved his life and i just realized that we had additional four years of normal life with him that i will never regret (he was allowed to stop insulin injection after a month, and only take 4 types of oral medicines since then).  he used to have low blood pressure and the doctor said usually this type of patient has a long life and we were so optimist. we were going to places he asked for, buying things he wanted, supporting and listening him, but of course he never burden us. he had huge patience in his heart. i know he was asking to have normal life in his prayer every day after seeing many of his friends had stroke or patah tulang and maybe thats why he left in peace. 

and lately, i have a thought to reread mitch albom's book. after i lost my dad and met some people these past weeks, i feel that maybe someone's existence is actually a part of someone else's life, and that was i felt when i read tuesday with morrie or five persons you've met in heaven. but i cant find that book at home. i was really forget whether my sister brought it to her home or it was actually my sister's friend's book. then, suddenly i saw a tweet that reposted orbituary book for an indonesia economist. i read thourough it and it is surprisingly really good. it is beyond a collection of memoars. it is a story about being a part of someone else's life. 

and when i read someone was given suggestion to choose econ karena ilmunya luas, i suddenly remember it was exactly what my dad said years ago when i was in high school which of course i spontaneously refused. but now i know i was wrong, i am sorry dad, i should listen to you. 

and now i understand maybe you do not to be that famous or have big karya or very high achievement to be part of someone else's life. my dad was not pejabat, like that economist who was not professor (even not a phd), but i think many people lost them. in the end, it was how your kindness resonates and felt by the others. 

and i was read this..

somewhere in the world, someone will remember you because you were kind. they will smile when they think of the way you helped them. a small act of kindness can stay with someone's heart forever. it could be kind word, saying "thank you", a helping hand, or just listening. even when you forget, they will not. every small act of kindness leaves a mark, even if you dont see it. it makes the world brighter and someone's day a little better. so thank you for being kind.

and maybe it's true. i suddenly remember, there was a message some years ago which i've never thought i would get from a really good friend. i ranted on a tweet about "diingat keberadaanya" kind of something after a friend reminded me with course that i took. and suddenly i've got a dm. he said that there is something that i said and will not forget. and it turns out a casual thank you talk. it is just a thank you that i said so many years ago, maybe more than 10 years ago, which i cant even remember. and surprisingly he still recognized me when i met him and his wife at our friend's wedding weeks ago even we didnt meet for years. unfortunately, we didnt have opportunity to talk much at that time.  

it was a wedding of a very good friend of mine. one of the most talented person that i know. and i suddenly remember what she said when we met at mila's (sorry mil if i write your name, because you are the only person who send comments sometime, wkwwk) wedding years ago. she told me that a dvd bajakan which i gave to her out of sudden when we were in high school was one of the reasons why she chose a major for college, which i hope she didnt regret. she even sent the poster of the film on whatsapp which i lost all my chat histories so i cant trace it back. 

and seing mila there makes my eyes burst to tears. she was checking on me right after read my posts and scolded me to not telling her. i am really sorry for not being a good friend, for not checking her, she was going through a lot. maybe one of recent things is when i congratulate her for her husband's phd defence and i was asked by the other friend why i congratulated her and not her husband. i also met her husband and father and mother and they still remember me as their kid's friend yang sering nongkrong di kamar anaknya di lantai atas setelah pulang sekolah wkwk. i am sorry and thank you for a lot of lunches that i had. i always hope the best for her and her family.

and of course all the thank you notes, messages, presents, talks, memories which i cant fully remember. some comments from friends that they wait my writing of misuh2 tweets. your time that spent being my side when i am alone. i feel like i was seen as me, and not what i attached on.

one thing that i remember was a poem made by ex new boss when i resigned. and she read it in front of people in my last day. but (again) i lost the poem and the picture of it. another thing that i can recall is a farewell present. it is not just a present, it had the prolog talk. i was told that years ago, all the earphone was black but apple launced a kind of digital walkman together with a white earphone to be a spotlight (wikipedia published about it here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apple_headphones#:~:text=Apple's%20original%20earbuds%20shipped%20with,the%20outside%20to%20the%20inside.). and i was asked "do you think you are like a black earphone that always there or a white earphone that be a spotlight?" and i received a black earphone, and another friend received a white earphone. 

when i remember those conversations i then remember that He gave me opportunities to meet so many kind persons in my life. i dont have many friends or colleagues or acquitances. and i rarely post appreciation photos or writings and i can not romanticizing it very well. i always said that i've met some people throughout my life episodes and many times, they come and go.

maybe it is true that i've never be a spotlight. maybe i wasnt be on top of someone's mind. and i am sure there will always prettier, smarter, nicer, richer, high achiever person out there.

but maybe being a little part of someone else's life is not bad. you know that i am always there and you will always know where to find me. 

i really wish something that i said or suggested or did or whatever which maybe directly/indirectly effect someone's decision will not make them regret nor sad. i do not have any intention to ruin someone's life and i am really sorry if maybe someone may feel so.

maybe it is true that remembering someone and realizing that they take part in my life is kind of celebrate their life (or existance). 

and i hope i will be remember for my good side, as i remember you also for your good side. semoga diingat untuk hal hal baiknya.  semoga Allah selalu berikan sehat, bahagia, kemudahan, jalan dan petunjuk.

sincerely yours,

Ayu