noticeable

 tentang why i did not pick math

oneday, a friend asked me about quantitative research and suddenly realized it's been so long having math (and stats) in my life, and i confirmed myself that i've definitely chosen the wrong major when i was s1, but that's okay. 

and i was listening mbak mona speech and seeing a diaspora tweeted that his kid wins a math olimpiade at his first attempt, and i was like, there are reasons why i always give comments when it comes to sekolah unggulan, osn, kesempatan, etc etc, and how it might affect intergenerational mobility (or maybe i just have survivorship bias).

jadi, i really know math since i was in junior high school from a very kind math teacher. as i have ever said, gue sd di sebuah sd negeri di pinggir jakarta yang bahkan dipake untuk dua sekolah, pagi dan sore, dan lulusannya masuk smp negeri aja udah bagus (just because the school was near to my ex kindergarten which was the nearest from home, and also, it was not that expensive). i've never been join competition di sd, karena ga bisa gambar, nari, nyanyi, olahraga. satu-satunya latihan persiapan lomba adalah lomba solat berjamaah yang ga pernah jadi-jadi. 

being the first kid at home dan punya jarak ke kakak2 sepupu yang lumayan jauh, gue kaya ngeraba what i should experience as a school student. bokap nyokap never pushed me to do anything beyond i want. after discussion, we decided to pick one of nearest junior high school as the first choice karena bisa ditempuh dengan sekali naik angkot dan ada di komplek tentara jadinya ga mungkin ada tawuran. long short story, ujian masuk smp waktu itu ga pake hasil ujian nasional, jadi ada ujian khusus yang kayanya it was my first time ngebulet-bulet kertas ujian. 

gue lupa ada tes lagi atau ngga waktu itu, but hamdalah and thanks to meritrocacy, jadi gue bisa masuk ke kelas that they called as "unggulan". dan gue shock karena temen sekelas ada yang rumahnya di ujung cibubur yang harus berangkat habis subuh ke sekolah karena sekolah masuk jam 6.15, sedangkan gue pilih sekolah cuma gegara deket rumah. sekolahnya ngga yang bagus banget, jangan dibandingkan dengan smp negeri unggulan lain, apalagi swasta bagus. dulu sekolahnya masih pagi sore, bayangkan kalau masuk pagi kelasnya dimulai jam 6.15 dan kalau masuk sore kelasnya selesai jam 17.45. 

gue ga inget gimana ceritanya tapi gue akhirnya ikut beberapa seleksi math yang di-offer oleh guru gue yang super baik itu, karena kayanya gue join english club yang udah pasti fail karena i cant debate, esp in english (puluhan tahun belajar aja english gue gini2 aja). yang gue inget waktu itu, i was in 7th grade, and my friend called me through the old telepon kabel and he said that our teacher asked me to join math competition together with him. 

since then i know that math is beyond what i learn at school. and finally i know there is a tiny part in this world where i can be good at, ya meskipun ga pernah menang juga, haha. and finally i know kalau ada kompetisi yang pake otak aja, yang ga harus jadi cantik, jadi menarik, punya suara bagus, bisa nari, jago olahraga, etc. 

terus ibunya ngasih tau kalau ada 2 kakak kelas yang jago banget sampe lolos penyisihan provinsi, she said that eventhough they are junior high school student, they learned and solved college level questions, and i was amazed. waktu kelas 7 beberapa kali ketemu tapi kan terus naik kelas mereka fokus ujian ke sma. 

the math teacher was not my teacher when i was in 7th grade, she teaches students in 9th grade, but she gave me opportunities, many opportunities padahal she knew that i never win, paling dikit2 lolos penyisihan. and that math teacher is someone who inspired me to write about her in an essay yang bikin gue masuk seleksi interview afs waktu sma.

i liked math hingga waktu itu i wanted to go to math at ntu, after seing a friend's blog that said he wanted to get summa cumlaude at mit. i've never heard mit before, let alone summa cumlaude. and  that blog made me searching further other universities in the world. waktu itu, ga usah amerika, kayanya gue sekolah ke singapur aja udah seneng banget. and that was reason why gue sebel banget sama phd-tidak-menapak-tanah's tweet as if you dont need money to know and get ntu/nus meanwhile (of course) he was a high-tier-respective-private-school student.

but everything was changed after weeks of never-ending math-prove-type questions. 

after berulang kegagalan di berbagai math competitions, gue akhirnya mendapat keberuntungan lolos seleksi provinsi when i was in 10th grade. waktu itu lolos bareng  2 kakak kelas yang diceritain ibu guru matematika smp itu yang kebetulan satu sekolah lagi (yang mana masuk sma dulu pake nilai ujian kalau ga salah, thanks again meritrocacy). 

and i can prove again that school (and meritrocacy) matters. waktu gue baca ceritanya seorang tech bro terkenal, gue jadi inget 2 kakak kelas itu yang ceritanya agak mirip. kakak kelas yang satu super tajir yang bokap nyokapnya dokter spesialis sedangkan satunya lagi kayanya dari keluarga yang ga tajir bgt yang kalau ga salah inget akhirnya pilih sekolah kedinasan instead of masuk universitas dan pilih math/tech/engineer/another major. equal opportunities made them meet each other in a  pond, a same school. mereka berdua sering banget lolos seleksi bareng and somehow i believed kalau kakak kelas yang tajir ini ngasih influence kaya temen si tech bro yang pertama kali memperkenalkan komputer sampai akhirnya masuk toki. 

murid dari sma gue yang lolos masuk ke seleksi provinsi lumayan banyak waktu itu (but of course ga sebanyak sekolah swasta yang terkenal itu). tapi terus waktu itu kan harus pelatihan yang lumayan lama di sebuah sekolah yang beda-beda tiap cabang pelajaran dan kebetulan untuk math dapetnya di salah satu sma di pusat jakarta. waktu itu ada 4 orang untuk math team and i was being the only 10th grade and being the only women, dan khawatir how i could go to that school everyday karena hampir ngga mungkin bokap gue bisa nganter karena beda arah banget sama kantornya, sedangkan nyokap gue udah cuti nganterin adek gue yang pelatihan provinsi juga di sebuah sekolah di pondok indah yang timelinenya waktu itu mirip. 

again, information matters. jadi, karena i had good information from my math teacher when i was in junior high school, i could pass it to my sister so she could know and prepare earlier besides  of course, she is smarter. and i love my mom (and dad), they always supports us as best as they can.

tapi kan, tetep, pada akhirnya previlege matters. hamdallahnya, kebetulan kakak kelas gue yang tajir itu bawa mobil dan gue dibolehin bareng mereka. terus sekarang jadi mikir, kalau dulu ga bareng mereka gimana ya cara gue ke sana. tapi yaudah, karena ga berhenti perkara pergi ke sana, tapi juga seberapa pintar dan seberapa siap itu matters. 

i saw those high-achiever-students di seantero jakarta at one of high-tier-school. orang-orang yang udah langganan lolos olimpiade, yang masuk sekolah paling cuma tiga bulan setahun, yang udah khatam kumon, yang sekolahnya meja kursinya bagus banget kaya di telenovela. udah culture shock sama keadaan, culture shock juga sama soal-soalnya yang isinya prove something that i cant imagine. dulu kan seleksi tingkat bawah paling pilihan ganda atau short essay dan jarang banget ketemu soal yang prove a,b,c,d. can you imagine prove soal semacam 1 =/= 2 dari pagi jam 8 sampe jam 4 sore berhari hari berminggu minggu. it was really difficult, while many students easily solved it and had the answers. and suddenly remembered what my math teacher said, that it is something that i may face if i pick math in college. waktu nonton cuplikan interview bezos why he gave up being physicist theorist, i was like that's what i felt, i think i dont belong to math. 

since it is traumatizing doing equations to prove something which i cant imagine, i prefered and decided to not pick math, i no longer want math at ntu. 

but still, it was really valuable humbly experience, being around those nerd smartest kids (as that diaspora said), that felt so different from other competition, like karya ilmiah etc.

i did like math, and i still do like it until now, but i still definitely would not pick math as my major if i can turn back time. 

but after seing tweet about genius prodigy, i am thinking that i hope i can help my future kids and nephew and other kids to have better preparation (if they are interest to those kind of field), to support them as best as i can, to provide the best possible resources.

and it was my reason, and maybe you have yours.

Best,

Ayu