noticeable

 

I don't exactly remember when I started to think about acceptance, of myself and my weaknesses, and my closest ones.

A time when I feel quite okay every time i think that i am a bad person, and there is no one who really like me to keep me around, and i am actually not as good and attractive and likeable as i think, and it is always my mistake to not put enough effort to keep relationship with friends, relatives, people around.

And even it is true, i am no longer feeling not okay that much and I am  trying to stop questioning myself worth. I am not seeking any validation nor any return from myself, and from other people.

I do know that I am wrong, so much wrong, for not giving much enough effort to try being a better person, for not being more attractive and likeable person like people always said, for not put myself in a vulnerable position. 

but at least i am not doing something harm, i am not cheating, i am trying to be a good person, a bare minimum at least, even if it is not enough for being considered as a friend materials, a partner materials, a wife materials.

And if you realize, I (potentially) suffer from dismissive avoidant and i was going through a lot of hard times to live as best that people expect to me in society.