102nd

about being unknown

i used to like reading post from other people's blog, or watching some opinion vlogs, or seeing some comments on twitter (btw, should i move to mostodon but i don't have any friends there, huft, forget it anyway), and it was not meant i do follow their ideology or opinion or whatever. it just helps me to have more perspectives and understand other's life experiences.

jadi, setelah sekian lama udah jarang banget, bahkan ngga pernah nonton vlog atau baca blog orang orang, gue baru tau kalau banyak orang roasting gtsv because of her decision and opinion. so, i think i need to give some clarification before anyone judge me being on the same side (ok no one needs it, btw).

but, whatever. 

i love blog posts and kind of experience stories or perspective opinions. i like how gtsv writings (regardless my opinion towards it), or how aftm share her 5 stages of grieves after a divorce, or how mdynd's husband write about her in his medium blog or some honest recommendation blog or other travelling blog that were very helpful which rarely to be found right now since people are always busy making vlog and endorsement (I don't get any idea why I should watch a whole YouTube video just to have some tips for a trip anw) . 

it's not like sharing your status for getting people's attention (or income). it is just kind of tell stories, share what you feel. 

and somehow i wish i have a decent one (would be better if I can monetize it, wkwk). 

but i feel it is getting harder and harder these days. and now I know that i am not ready for that kind of stuff.  

dan gue jadi baru sadar tentang my recent questions. i just feel uncomfortable if people really know me (and my personal life) but sharing my random thoughts needs background stories which i prefer to not share it explicitly. 

if you have ever realized, i tried to not follow my workmate on my active social media and i tried to not really explain what i do in my posts or my account. that doesn't mean I talked about them behind their backs on my tweets or i hate my job. that also does not mean it is not real me in my real life or it is not real me in here or my account. 

i just feel strange to be known and be seen for what i do or what i am attached on. somehow, it feels much much easier to follow someone you've never met before.

but then i've met more and more people and i very often need to tell them what i do. well i am sure they will forget me right away, but still it is kind of weird feeling.

i am surely happy with what i do, or where i am, but can I live my life just to be unknown. 

and now I understand when a colleague of mine said "i love my family, but being somewhere out from hometown makes you feel out from your tiny bubble, no one cares, no one knows you. you can get naked, and no one cares here".

now I know, being unknown can feel so liberating.

and that is why I do really appreciate some old friends who even if they don't know where i am or what i do they still remember me for a chit chat meeting. it feels like they really want to meet me, as me.

but, used to be really afraid telling my opinion or experience in a right context, i found  it is really  difficult to share my thoughts in real situation. gue menjadi sangat terbata-bata dan tidak terstruktur. 

and i realize that it is not right. there is something inside me to be fixed. but i feel so scary, honestly, to really deep down inside myself. 

jadi, seperti biasa, mungkin aku hanya butuh sedikit doa..

very bests,

Ayu