80th

tentang peran di dunia

jadi, kamu apa kabar?

harusnya, mungkin, ngga boleh ngeluh, tapi rasanya beberapa minggu terakhir ini sangat exhausting, mostly mentally, tapi physically juga sedikit merasa lelah. meskipun bersyukur, masih diberi Tuhan sedikit kekuatan untuk bisa menjalankan peran sebaik yang kubisa. 

akhir-akhir ini banyak hal terjadi, yang rasanya membuat lelah secara emosional. meskipun bukan menjadi aktor utama pada setiap kejadian, tapi rasanya lelah  karena harus terus berusaha untuk meyakinkan bahwa semua akan baik-baik saja. rasanya ingin bisa duduk tanpa harus memikirkan apapun sejenak. tapi, kemudian aku takut menjadi egois.

I know that many people need more attention, that they have so much more problems, that I should give more attention, that I am not a center of universe, but as a supporter actor, kadang, hanya ingin diberi semangat atau sekadar ada yang mengatakan padaku, "that's okay, yu. you will be fine", selain selalu mengatakannya pada orang lain. I understand that I should not confide while people around me is more suffering, that they have bigger problems. but sometimes, I need something to throw what I felt, I need some kind of support, because I know that I am not that strong.  

setelah beberapa waktu kemarin mama harus opname, minggu kemarin, adek gue tiba-tiba operasi sc. and people around me need me to be strong, to be someone that they can rely on, to comfort them, to be someone who always listen and try to understand, to be wise while facing so many drama followed. and still, i need to be professional in my works with deadlines. and my mom keep asking me to get married (while I even dont know whether I've been ready, also besides i dont have boyfriend, even tough suddenly a workmate asked me to drive me home but i just didnt know what responds should I give). 

i even cant define my feelings lately, i dont know what i want exactly, i dont know what i wishing for, i dont know what i felt. I dont know whether I should try to open a chance or maybe try a relationship. being very sad because of falling over someone is still the worst feeling I've ever felt, and i dont think that i am ready to be that sad again.

i even dont know what the latest thing that I do for myself (only for myself and my happiness) these past weeks.

but, still, I need to do my roles professionally.  I realize that we need so many roles in life, and sometimes, one of those roles didn't get enough attention as much as its supposed portion. and people keep saying that we need to be fair, in words and deeds. again, easier said than done.

that is what I learned a lot from hospital playlist. it made me thinking about roles in life dan re-questioning what i did in my life. People in the story did all their roles professionally, as a dad, a child, a brother, a real friend, a workmate, a worker, a worshiper, a their-really-selves. basically, menurut gue, cerita yang dibangun membahas tentang hal-hal sederhana yang mungkin mulai dilupakan. mungkin, kalau mau berlebihan bisa dibilang mengembalikan nilai-nilai konservatif di dunia yang liberal, pentingnya memiliki keluarga, menghormati orang tua, kerja sepenuh hati, jadi teman yang baik tanpa perlu ada harrashment.

and I just dont know why they want to be chae song hwa, because the story made it must be hurt for her, it must be hard being her. it must be not easy manage her own feeling. 

sebenarnya cerita drama ini, buat gue mempertanyakan kembali moral compass dan value yang gue punya. mengingatkan untuk bersyukur berada di keluarga yang baik, dipertemukan banyak orang baik, .

semangat untuk setiap orang yang sedang struggling dengan masalahnya masing-masing. it is not an easy journey. indeed, being an adult is never be easy. a period when most of the time, we cant be selfish. even if people keep saying it's okay to be not okay, but, sometimes, not in adult life 

thank you so much for trying your best so far. you will be fine, always 

jadi, doakan aku biar ngga jadi egois..

with warm hearts, 

Ayu

yang ngga mau jadi egois