87th

tentang hesitation

well, it's been a while since my last post. jadi, apa kabar?

hamdallah aku baik, semoga kamu pun juga begitu. these past months were really something, i experienced so many things hence i was not journaling recently. jadi, ya lebih banyak misuh di twitter atau take some notes. hmm, I think twitter is a strange yet comfortable place (beside a blog). somehow, it is like read a diary or listen people stories or understand their thoughts and opinions, going through the struggling, the grieves, the happy moments of someone you know and you never know before.

anyway, ini tahun keempat aku mulai blog writing lagi dan selama itu juga sepertinya aku mengalami high acceleration of my adulting process, terutama mungkin satu - dua tahun terakhir. well, 2020 was really something. somehow merasa bersyukur sudah mengalami fase krisis beberapa tahun lalu (oke, ngga boleh self-diagnose), karena sejujurnya aku ngga bisa membayangkan jika harus menghadapi peak adulting phase with unstable mentality. masih sering panik, tapi at least sudah lebih calm. i try to apply stoism anyway beberapa tahun ini. well, it helps a bit, wkwk.

as i grown up, i realize that being an adult is really hard. but ya, this is my very first life. I might confused along the journey, found so many hesitation, so do other people. but life still goes on, expect me to be a more dependable-mature-person. something that i really wish i could be, even though i am trying to not give my self an expectation.

hmm, sepertinya kali ini belum akan menulis tentang my-worst-end-year-so-far or my-other-life-journey. let me write my review about reply 1988, haha. finally, i watched R1988 even though people said it was that great countless time. aku pernah cerita kalau aku takut nonton R1988, hmm mungkin karena tidak siap dihadapkan kenyataan hidup, haha. really, it is not kind of a fairy tale that you've ever wished for a drama.

well the story is undoubtedly great, not my best so far, but definitely not the worst. as usual, it is a warm story that will make you wondering how you value your relationship in life with your parents, siblings, friends, someone you love.

as i said, it is felt so real. the roller coaster ride of the feelings such in a real life just hit me so hard, haha. rasanya semacam hidup itu adil ngga adil, and that's fine. i think, the story of bo ra's adulting journey makes me wondering dan membuat gue tetap percaya kalau mungkin you don't need to be better person to meet someone, somehow meet a right person will make you a better one.

well, my favorite character definitely will be sun woo, wkwk. tapi kali ini aku mau bahas tentang jung hwan. i've ever said, he hesitated so many times. but, have you ever feel that you are not sure with every thing in your life, your wishes, your decision, your feelings. well, i have, so many times. you feel like so clueless, with so much if. and i think it is not jung hwan fault since the first time.

people might say that he didn't give enough effort like taek did (well it is true), tapi apakah he doesn't like dok seon as much as taek? i guess we never know, but he tried what he thinks the best (from his version), and he suffered, a lot. 

even though he knew he liked duk soen that much, maybe knowing she is okay was enough. maybe seeing his closest people is happy was enough. maybe he had his-own-version of enough. and i bet he suffered in pain and struggled so much with his hesitation, cluelesness, doubtfulness. aku rasa, selama ini jung hwan denied for his broken-hearted, he knew duk soen was not into him, but his heart didn't listening. and finally he made a closure to let his feeling go. he never said it was a joke nor a lie, he did what dong ryok wanted to.

he was just not be able to do what he really wanted to do.

and ya, as jung bong said to him.

    I want him to be able to do what he wants to do.

because a couple of times we are not be able to do what we really want to do. i don't take any position about fate vs hard work, including essentialism vs existentialism, etc etc. because somehow, it just makes me hurt.

sometimes, we just failed, and the universe said so. gagal ya gagal aja. that's it, accept it, take the consequences, bukan salah siapa siapa. he had options, he decided, he didn't confess, he knew, and he took the risk, even if it made him hurt a lot, even it burdens him.

reply 1988 is really worth to watch, surely.
and after all, i do hope everyone can be able to do what they want to do,
so do you.



definitely yours,
Ayu