i love talking to you (through my blog posts)  even if i actually have nothing to say  even if i know that you may not come anymore

  kemarin aku pernah menulis: i do believe if you want something good, you need to do it dengan cara yang benar.  tapi ternyata, aku baru disadarkan kalau cara yang benar itu relatif. benar menurut apa atau menurut siapa.  why people keep doing unsensible (bad) things just to be safe or feel right? mungkin hanya perlu menjaga niat baik dan berdoa semoga selalu diberi petunjuk Tuhan. 

Makin dewasa makin menyadari reasons dari keputusan-keputusan nyokap bokap dulu dan mempelajari bagaimana mereka menjalani hidup. identify why they do not have post power syndrom when retired, why they do not look for roi from their kid's achievement, why they can see people equally, why they are fine when things go not as expexted.

 tentang why i did not pick math oneday, a friend asked me about quantitative research and suddenly realized it's been so long having math (and stats) in my life, and i confirmed myself that i've definitely chosen the wrong major when i was s1, but that's okay.  and i was listening mbak mona speech and seeing a diaspora tweeted that his kid wins a math olimpiade at his first attempt, and i was like, there are reasons why i always give comments when it comes to sekolah unggulan, osn, kesempatan, etc etc, and how it might affect intergenerational mobility (or maybe i just have survivorship bias). jadi, i really know math since i was in junior high school from a very kind math teacher. as i have ever said, gue sd di sebuah sd negeri di pinggir jakarta yang bahkan dipake untuk dua sekolah, pagi dan sore, dan lulusannya masuk smp negeri aja udah bagus (just because the school was near to my ex kindergarten which was the nearest from home, and also, it was not that expensive). i...

  🙎‍♀️: it is my wish come true 🙎‍♂️: then why are you so sad?

  Berpura pura bahwa kita baik baik saja. As tiny wisdom said weeks ago. Jadi, daripada aku pusing mikirin drama (yang sebenarnya aku ngga mau tau juga), aku mau cerita aja kalau aku akhirnya memutuskan datang acaranya tiny wisdom setelah lama ragu-ragu. I like how tiny wisdom draws about feelings, jadinya waktu dia open registration untuk acaranya di jakarta, aku daftar lebih karena support aja tapi sebenarnya masih ga niat bgt untuk datang. Aku biasanya males bgt keluar rumah kalau ga perlu. Mungkin lifestyle changed as pandemic happened. Waktu hari acaranya sampai memutuskan untuk nanya orang2 terdekat, should i come, or not. Padahal agak jarang nanya orang untuk ambil keputusan, but not this time, gegara sangat malas, dan mendung banget waktu itu, liat prakiraan cuaca akan hujan juga, dan lagi agak pilek juga, dan ngerasa jauh banget di pusat jakarta yang agak tidak ramah krl dan sejenisnya. Terus scroll instagram (iya, akhirnya aku punya instagram wkwk), terus baca komen2 oran...

but i hope He will always take care of me. He will make me feel I am fine.