about being a part of someone else's life i actually made this draft days ago, but i think it is worth to be an end year writing. i was writing last year, questioning will i be better, but i dont think i need to go through those sadness to be a better person. i mean, i dont feel i am better one now, i feel i am still the same person. but, i've just realized that although i thought everything is undercontrol (or vice versa), if He said happened, it will happen. maybe i feel more berserah to Him, meskipun aku ngerasa selama ini juga sudah terlalu pasrah, haha.  i have been trying to appreciate moments and opportunities esp. with my parents since covid when my dad was hospitalized almost four years ago. the first time he was hospitalized in my life and the first time we knew that he had high blood glucose. his doctor (with Allah permission) saved his life and i just realized that we had additional four years of normal life with him that i will never regret (he was allowed to stop ...

  and the worst part is i dont know why i am sad. i still cant find the reason why, because i thought i shouldnt feel so..

  did i appreciate you enough when you were around? did i say i miss you when you were not around? i've just watched eternal sunshine of spotless mind. i know i was late for the hype, it's been 20 years. but i do agree the movie is really good. and now i realize that it is not a memory that someone wants to erase, but it is the feeling that attached to it..

hi i am sorry if my writing felt so desperate lately. i try to fuctioning again, but it takes time, longer and harder than i expected.  it turns out that the lost feeling remains the same even though it has been a day, a week, a month. i thought it will get smaller, but i think it is not. i hope it shall pass one day.  but hamdallah, He give me opportunities to meet so many kind people who help me getting through this. understand my situation. checking on me sometimes. i feel very gratefull and i hope He will also give His kindness for them.  i know that i have difficulties to share what i feel, and that is one of the reasons why i write here. maybe because i need to make sure my expectation so i will not feel more sadness.  and if you may read it somehow, i am really sorry. i am sorry for not being a good friend (esp. for mila). and thank you for ever being part of my life. thanks a lot for being a really good friend, as always. very best,  Ayu, your friend, al...

  how do you deal with guilty feeling that sometimes comes in mind. and all the what ifs it happened differently. 

  my dad sets the bar too high for being a dad, a husband, a son, a worker, a human.  how can be i dont miss him

  today is my dad's birthday.  i said to him weeks ago when we ate together that i am really sorry i cant see him in person on his birthday this year (something that never happened for years) because i forgot that i would be still stay overseas for a couple of days. and he was really okay with it. i planned to order some mini tumpeng like mom's birthday for his birthday and buy him a new jeans soon after i arrive. a jeans that he always like after the last one i bought him almost ten years ago as his birthday present right after after i have my first job. and would also ask him about end year plan trip and umra things that i really want him and mom to go with me.  but sometimes plan is just being a plan. i dont have any single thought that i really cant see him on his birthday ever again. if he is still here, i believe he will be happy for his birthday this year because it will be on friday. he always order some nasi kuning boxes for friday morning in the week of everyone...