ternyata, grieving is never left. it is true when they said that it doesnt feel smaller, but it just your heart that gets bigger. 

  tadi tiba2 baca: capek nunggu orang yang ga sadar kalau dirinya ditunggu.. and it hits hard anyway

  i've written about "siapa ya, kaya kenal" when i took the ielts test for the first time last year. i was emotionally exhausted so i remember it vividly. and i just saw her found spouse and join phd in a year, while me had late add diagnosed, massive broken heart, dan didnt know what to do with that ielts results which will be expired soon... and dollar is much higher now.. i know, sometimes life is so funny..

  today my mom turned 66, and this year i turned 33. and it made me remember when i watched wlgyt, i went to rabbit hole. it began when i realized thay iu give me inspiration when i introduce myself to people who dont know how to spell my name. but then i found that the date when iu was born is combination of my mom's birth date and my year of birth. and it feels more personal because the wlgyt story is amazing that i feel so relate. it was not only about the dad-was-gone episode, it was also about mother daughter relationship, esp as the first born daughter.  maybe i didnt write much enough about my mother. but she is one of a kind. and one thing that i really love about her is how she did not lost herself for being a mother. she did not make me feel that she is sacrifying herself so that i should pay her back or live her dreams.  she is really consious, and aware, and grounded for her life decision. i cant feel the dissapointment or regrets when she shared her story. an...

 about priority setelah late diagnosed kemarin, aku mulai belajar istilah dari pola-pola yang aku alami sepanjang hidup. sebenarnya (dan seharusnya) tidak untuk menjadi excuse, tapi untuk jadi lebih aware aku sedang ada di stage apa. dan pattern itu nyata. it is real  sudah 5 hari aku ngga morning walk dan ngerjain kerjaan dari rumah dari jam 7 pagi sampai 6 sore ngga ke mana mana untuk kerjaan ngga penting tapi bikin aku hyperfocus. sebagai excuse mengerjakan hal penting lain yang aku tau adalah prioritas tapi otak aku minta menghindar dan alhasil jadi procastinate terus. pattern lama muncul lagi. sampai akhirnya ada obrolan tentang prioritas.  dan kemudian aku teringat tentang seleksi kerja beberapa tahun lalu. aku beberapa kali seleksi kerja dan ofc ngga pernah lolos tes koran, atau leaderless group discussion kind of things, yang akhirnya aku baru sadar alasan kenapa. tapi ada satu seleksi yang aku ikuti which i passed the cv screening, the essay, the interview, padah...

  about little women i sometimes believe that there are some arts that made for you. writings, films, musics, yang ditakdirkan menemanimu di epidose hidupmu.  i've write some of them in some episodes of my life. and this time is little women.  i watched it last night from many films that netflix offered. and i just know that today is women international today, what a coincidence. i know that i may late for the hype, but it was really good.  again, because it feels like a reflection of myself. i somehow more or less found jo in me. i said to my sister just some days ago, that one of among so many things that i really want to write in my life is how my parents raised me. how the warms, and hugs, and loves, and kindness, and grieves was shared and how it helps me a lot as not typical child. and it was what jo did with the little women book.  and jo was not typical women. someone who cared deeply, but was scared to admit that she was afraid of love and felt lonely. ...

  jadi, how is life? these days weather is windy, sometimes raining, but feels gloomy. ramadhan doesnt feel like as festive as years ago. people thight their budget, more sellers, less buyers. but in the other side of life, those pejabat are travelling around the world, getting so many profits from the free lunch, starting war everywhere anywhere.  and not long after i write this, isrl bombed irn. i've lived long enough going through some crisis, when we were really scared. the bombs, the gam, the poso, us-afgan war, us-irq war, rohingya, palestine, moneter crisis, 2008 crisis,  tsunami, natural disaster, covid. i dont understand, cant we just be more kind to each other. people are trying to survive but it cant resist the depressed feeling around because there are not power and energy left to make a change. we are basically just trying to survive. i recently write more on twitter, rather than here. i believe no one have a read though, but i like write any things to help m...