i've never felt so desperate with the world as much as today (except when covid). we even only have around 70 years of peaceful and independence era (in most of the countries). i cant understand why people like to burn the bridge, initiating potential wars. was rusia and ukraine not enough bad, how about israel and palestine? do you see how rusia people then invanded bali, make mafia gank. why they dont just stop the wars, make the world become more liveable. financial crisis years ago felt not bad as this. we have unbelievable irrationally running govt now. and the worst is it is not only happened locally, but internationally. if i want to move, other countries seem the same.  dunia kenapa makin ngga jelas, heran

i thought one of the best feelings that i've ever felt is being read, for what i thought, for what i gave attention to, for what i laughed at, for what i like or dislike.  i feel like i am being noticed when something disrupt me, i feel like someone try to read me, while i've never been asked, for what i feel or what i like.  but recently, i feel of being asked. I've never feel like this and somehow it feels really good, even much better. it feels like trying to be understood without prejudice. 

  How is your life? Mine is not looking up the sky these days I do really like seing skies and clouds and stars and moon since a kid, and currently ceilling.  It somehow gives me undescribable feeling of being free.  And i was surprised when there is  someone who always spontaneously say every time the sky is blue among anything else that can be seen or found.   If people say sun flower, for me it is the skies and i found this. “You can always find me where the skies are blue.” 

  someone said to me that grieve is the most selfish thing

  I had my morning walk yesterday and in the middle of it suddenly i fall in the road like a 5 yo kid. Even i've been an adult, it hurts, in the knee. Then i understand why kids are crying when they fall. I used to prefer walking than running because I know that I am really clumsy, I may have sprained ankle, besides I dont know how to regulate my breath and heart rate etc. But, even if I  had my calculated decision and avoid the risk as much as possible, the risk is still there anyway.  I fall, and it hurts. 

i just dont know what i should do As i said, my past weeks were not really good. I still cant sleep sometimes. I suddenly feel lost of directions, I cant find my life reference and I feel all of what i do basically pointless. When i drove after finally decided to take my very first ielts test (in my more than 30 years of life, i will write about this later) weeks ago, I suddenly feel sad althought the sky was really blue after heavy rain suddenly. It was the first time I went back to the place near my dad's hospital. I was just suddenly thinking what should i do with all of this, what is the point of this, i dont know what He want me to do.  I just realized that one of the biggest reason why i had a thought to try studying at netherland is my parents. I really want to invite them when i graduate and take them to the cities that my dad ever visited. I thought maybe the next 3-4 years will be fine, but suddenly it is gone. It feels like i lost myself now, i feel clueless, i just dont...

about feelings   i did not have good sleep these days and wake up at the midnight and  end up crying and praying, but try to look fine in the morning with puffy eyes and headache.  many times, i try to understand about feelings, from books, movies, songs, mvs, poets, stories, anything around me.  but, i still cant understand why He makes it so difficult, why it cant be easier. i mean, i watched marriage story, past life, lalaland (not my kind of favorite, but still), you are the apple of my eyes, or 10 minutes of taylor swift mvs, or read afu 5 stages of grief, or heard divorce stories from a friend. they found it just did not work out. and it is heartwrenching, but at least they have been trying to be together and they were happy. or reply 1998 with jung hwan's hesitation  and memory baik (which i just saw yesterday), when you have all the opportunities but you do hesitate. but then you realize and understand that it is the best for everyone, but you are, just ...